When I first heard the song I thought, “Ah… must be one of the songs she wrote after the whole Russell mess.” And maybe it was, I don’t know… but it sounds like something you say after you’re out of a relationship for a while. When you realise what an arse that other person was and how you fell for it. Or maybe how you made it all up in your head…all these dreams and illusions about the other person and the two of you, only to find out it was just you making those plans and ideals. The other person had something else in mind and now they’re going off to do it with someone else.
She sings, ” Yeah, I was in the dark/ I was falling hard/ With an open heart/ I’m wide awake/ How did I read the stars so wrong?”
And this is what makes me think that we, as females, tend to do this sort of thing. We fall in love or in lust or in crush so hard each and every time. And I’d love to say that men are just arses with no emotions but clearly, from the James Blunts (and others) of the world, that isn’t the case. I also wonder if they get more jaded than we do or if they can let things go a lot faster? If they can, I envy them. If they can’t, then I’m sad for them as well. Why do we get so caught up in the what if’s and the future and the illusions of the relationship? Why is it we can’t just see the relationship for what it is and not put sparkles into it?
Katy’s version of this goes like this: ” I’m wide awake/ And now it’s clear to me/ That everything you see/ Ain’t always what it seems/ I’m wide awake/ Yeah, I was dreaming for so long.”
One day, we wake up and realise, something’s gone wrong… and we say what Katy sings. ” I I wish I knew then/ What I know now/ Wouldn’t dive in/ Wouldn’t bow down/ Gravity hurts/ You made it so sweet/ ‘Til I woke up on/ On the concrete”
But that’s not accurate, is it? Did they really make it so sweet? Were they the ones that swindle us or did we swindle ourselves? Either which way, gravity hurts and you wake up on the concrete with a shattered heart and broken body. As Katy says, we have fallen from cloud nine and crashed. Well… more like we crashed and burned ourselves really badly. And we swear up and down that will never do it again! But we do… at least a lot of us do… Some don’t and they live broken lives but tell themselves they’re fine being alone. We’re humans though… pack animals… we don’t do so well in the solitary as much as we like to lie to ourselves. We need someone else in our lives. And I know we try to fight it as much as we like and can… but then ONE day, that cute guy or cute girl shows up and we can’t help ourselves. We get twitterpated…
Katy’s version of this? ” I’m wide awake/ Not losing any sleep/ I picked up every piece/ And landed on my feet/ I’m wide awake/ Need nothing to complete myself, no”
But of course, she, like the rest of us, before we jump into another relationship, we get scared and we wondered what we did to muck up the last one… you try to see what was wrong… but then you convince yourself it’s the other person who was an arse and not you. It’s their fault. They’re the ones who broke it. ” I’m wide awake/ Yeah, I am born again/ Out of the lion’s den/ I don’t have to pretend/ And it’s too late/ The story’s over now, the end”
But being in a relationship is hard! Staying in one seems to be even harder. It’s so easy to say “OK, I’ve had enough! Let’s throw this one away and find a new one because this one is pissing me off!” And this is where things start to fall apart. We don’t have enough commitment in our so called committed relationships. We only commit and love UNTIL that moment where the other person fails somehow. Then we start looking around for something better…a new lawn to mow, sort of speak… And maybe, somewhere in our minds we recognise we’re failing or something’s wrong, but we can’t admit to ourselves that it’s us doing the damage.
She sings, ” I’m wide awake/ Thunder rumbling/ Castles crumbling/ I’m wide awake/ I am trying to hold on/ I’m wide awake/ God knows that I tried/ Seeing the bright side/ I’m wide awake/ I’m not blind anymore…”
But did you? Did you really see the bright side or did you just “put up with” whatever it was that was bothering you? Did you ever speak out or were you just one of those, nice girls don’t upset others or worse…confront others…? Did you ever say to the dude, hey you’re pissing me off because blah… whatever it was…? Or did you go girl and try to hint things at him and hope he gets it, then when he doesn’t you bury him with anger? Or maybe you nagged him to death but never actually said what was wrong. Maybe you just stopped paying attention to him. Maybe you were so angry that you said forget it! And you both went to do your own things…
And one day… it just… stopped.
And we’re back in the same merry go round… only it’s not so merry… this roundabout it just going round and round and you’re still alone. With a boyfriend, a husband, a wife, a girlfriend, whatever title you want… you’re still… alone. By now you think everyone just sucks major soda water! But did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe… the element that is most constant… is… you?
I’m not saying you suck…although maybe you do… but at least if you acknowledge it, you can fix it. Communication seems to be at the key of everything. And it love, it seems to be the single most important thing in the world. So the next time you get twitterpated, take a mental note of what you did before… At what moment did you stop caring and at what point did you just let it go? At what point did it fail for you? And did you do everything you could to get the train back on the track or did you just decide it was too much work so you let it derail?
Will you ever actually be.. wide awake… or will just continue thinking it’s everyone else who dumps on you?