What Ritalin did to me…

I don’t know why more people don’t talk about this or maybe I’m in the wrong forums/places.   In any case, I hear about college students and “normal” people taking this and getting through exams and life and bouncing off walls like it’s some kind of amazing high!!  But this is an ADHD medication…   It’s a stimulant but it doesn’t work that way on us…or at least, on me.   When I heard about it, I expected magic in a bottle!

Wallpaper-amazing

What do you mean I’m going to be able to focus and not have ten million things running around in my head at any given second?!  Are you kidding me?! That’s fantastic!!  And I don’t have to get up every ten minutes or change what I’m doing because fidget…?!  Really!?  Oh my god, give me a gallon’s worth!!

I should have known better… they do always say “if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is…” and they, whoever they are, are right. It was way too good to be true.  My first day taking it, I was giddy with excitement…more than my usual bounce off the walls excitement… I was like wow, I’ll be able to get work done! Let’s down this sucker!

Almost instantly, I felt this…

Only… I wasn’t looking through the wave… I was IN it… tumbling around like some kind of Alice in Wonderland experience when she inhaled too much of whatever that caterpillar was smoking.   I was under water…in some kind of fog…I went to my chair and sat down…I was dizzy…I melted into the chair and sat staring at my computer.  After 30 mins I went to eat something…couldn’t tell you what that was…  I was walking through molasses.  It took a lot of effort to put things together.  I went back to my computer and sat, again…watched something…couldn’t tell you what that was either.

But I was still… I sat there for the next couple of hours…I opened up maybe 10 tabs in my browser as opposed to my usual 30-50 or whatever…  As time passed the fog got thicker and thicker…my hands were heavy…my body was heaving…as if I was in some kind of haze from staying up way too late and was incredibly groggy!  But I was sitting still…  I then got up to throw up…but I had no food in my stomach so I dry heaved…nasty bitterness… I ate something and it calmed down the heaves…  I learned that from pregnancy.  It must be a fluke… I went to bed…

I tried it again the next day…same thing but the fog was even thicker…and it wasn’t until today that I realised I was depressed…not like the mental illness exactly…but like being held down by something.  My usual Tiggerness had turned into Eeyore… or for those who are fans of MLP, I had gone from Pinkie Pie to a seriously depressed Pinkamena.  I see why they give this to kids…keeps them at their seat and they have to struggle just to SEE anything that it keeps them nice and quiet.

Oh yeah, I had that wonderful effect too…all my senses were dulled.  I saw something but it took a moment to process it…I touched something but it took a moment to figure out what it was… I can see why they say don’t drive while under this…I had to struggle just to SIT at my desk, it wasn’t fun.  I called the doctor and left a message.  Is this normal?!   After some time she called back and left me a message as I was passed out…my body’s defense mechanism is to fall asleep…and since I couldn’t really function anyway, I obliged.  The message said to cut down the dose…mind you, I was already on the lowest dose… 10 mg.  But I did as told and half-ed it.   Didn’t make a difference….

The same fog, heavier and heavier, the more I take… And mind you, I took a couple of days off just to wear off the bad effects… Especially the, if I don’t eat every couple of hours I dry heave. This is NOT fun.  I asked someone else taking a different med but has ADHD too what I’m supposed to feel and they told me that it does slow things down so you can focus.  They suggested I take less….hmmm… I don’t think that taking 2.5 mg is going to help…I’ll probably still get fogged…and I still have the side effects.

Another person who took this back in High School told me that they had the same thing happen to them but that their parental unit insisted they take the med to keep them quiet and compliant.  I don’t think that’s a good thing…  Anyway, they took the normal dose of 30 mg and they got the same thing as me…so it’s the med, not the person.   I looked online and couldn’t really find anyone talking about this.  Why?  Am I the one in a million?

Do people rather have the glorification of making themselves dulled and depressed?  Is that the preference?  I sure as heck don’t like it!  I don’t know why anyone would like this tumbled upside down, foggy, sleepy, and dull lifestyle.  Yes, my thoughts didn’t go at ten million miles an hour and yes they didn’t bounce off the walls but I felt like somebody else…and to me, that’s not worth it.  I wanted to have a a toned down version of myself, meaning, still me but maybe more focused…  Is there such a thing as a focused without all those other side effects?   Or is this what focus is…  Is this how others live their lives?
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A few thoughts here and there…life in the slow lane…  Are you able to sit still because you have nothing better to do?  Is THIS why people get bored?!   Maybe I should be glad to have ADHD.   Maybe my million miles an hour thoughts and bouncing off the walls is a GOOD thing…I’m creative and constantly thinking of the next new thing…yes I get “bored” easy with the same activity over and over again but that’s where the million thoughts come into play.  Who has time to get bored when within five seconds you’re on to 30 other scenarios?!  When you can feel like a child and be amused by EVERYthing?!
Why would we want to stop this?   Why did I believe I had to be “normal” to be OK?

So I’m writing this to tell other people that hey, you’re not alone.  If you decide that you rather have ADHD than the dull existence some pill gives you, it’s OK.  I’m right here next to you and we can have our own little crazy boat.  Let’s embrace that kind of crazy!  At least we’ll never be bored and to me, that’s worth everything!  Yes, even the annoyance of having others tell you that you’re a spaz constantly.  You know what?  I think they’re jealous.  We’re the awesome creative ones.  We come up with stuff they haven’t even thought of…and yeah OK, we might need a little help reigning in everything once in a while but that’s not a bad trade off.  We get them out of the box and they keep us in for a bit.  Sounds like a win win to me!

Until next time, thanks for reading!  If you are so inclined to donate to my getting a laptop, here’s my kofi link: http://ko-fi.com/A1055U8 Thank you! 😀

 

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