What Ritalin did to me…

I don’t know why more people don’t talk about this or maybe I’m in the wrong forums/places.   In any case, I hear about college students and “normal” people taking this and getting through exams and life and bouncing off walls like it’s some kind of amazing high!!  But this is an ADHD medication…   It’s a stimulant but it doesn’t work that way on us…or at least, on me.   When I heard about it, I expected magic in a bottle!

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What do you mean I’m going to be able to focus and not have ten million things running around in my head at any given second?!  Are you kidding me?! That’s fantastic!!  And I don’t have to get up every ten minutes or change what I’m doing because fidget…?!  Really!?  Oh my god, give me a gallon’s worth!!

I should have known better… they do always say “if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is…” and they, whoever they are, are right. It was way too good to be true.  My first day taking it, I was giddy with excitement…more than my usual bounce off the walls excitement… I was like wow, I’ll be able to get work done! Let’s down this sucker!

Almost instantly, I felt this…

Only… I wasn’t looking through the wave… I was IN it… tumbling around like some kind of Alice in Wonderland experience when she inhaled too much of whatever that caterpillar was smoking.   I was under water…in some kind of fog…I went to my chair and sat down…I was dizzy…I melted into the chair and sat staring at my computer.  After 30 mins I went to eat something…couldn’t tell you what that was…  I was walking through molasses.  It took a lot of effort to put things together.  I went back to my computer and sat, again…watched something…couldn’t tell you what that was either.

But I was still… I sat there for the next couple of hours…I opened up maybe 10 tabs in my browser as opposed to my usual 30-50 or whatever…  As time passed the fog got thicker and thicker…my hands were heavy…my body was heaving…as if I was in some kind of haze from staying up way too late and was incredibly groggy!  But I was sitting still…  I then got up to throw up…but I had no food in my stomach so I dry heaved…nasty bitterness… I ate something and it calmed down the heaves…  I learned that from pregnancy.  It must be a fluke… I went to bed…

I tried it again the next day…same thing but the fog was even thicker…and it wasn’t until today that I realised I was depressed…not like the mental illness exactly…but like being held down by something.  My usual Tiggerness had turned into Eeyore… or for those who are fans of MLP, I had gone from Pinkie Pie to a seriously depressed Pinkamena.  I see why they give this to kids…keeps them at their seat and they have to struggle just to SEE anything that it keeps them nice and quiet.

Oh yeah, I had that wonderful effect too…all my senses were dulled.  I saw something but it took a moment to process it…I touched something but it took a moment to figure out what it was… I can see why they say don’t drive while under this…I had to struggle just to SIT at my desk, it wasn’t fun.  I called the doctor and left a message.  Is this normal?!   After some time she called back and left me a message as I was passed out…my body’s defense mechanism is to fall asleep…and since I couldn’t really function anyway, I obliged.  The message said to cut down the dose…mind you, I was already on the lowest dose… 10 mg.  But I did as told and half-ed it.   Didn’t make a difference….

The same fog, heavier and heavier, the more I take… And mind you, I took a couple of days off just to wear off the bad effects… Especially the, if I don’t eat every couple of hours I dry heave. This is NOT fun.  I asked someone else taking a different med but has ADHD too what I’m supposed to feel and they told me that it does slow things down so you can focus.  They suggested I take less….hmmm… I don’t think that taking 2.5 mg is going to help…I’ll probably still get fogged…and I still have the side effects.

Another person who took this back in High School told me that they had the same thing happen to them but that their parental unit insisted they take the med to keep them quiet and compliant.  I don’t think that’s a good thing…  Anyway, they took the normal dose of 30 mg and they got the same thing as me…so it’s the med, not the person.   I looked online and couldn’t really find anyone talking about this.  Why?  Am I the one in a million?

Do people rather have the glorification of making themselves dulled and depressed?  Is that the preference?  I sure as heck don’t like it!  I don’t know why anyone would like this tumbled upside down, foggy, sleepy, and dull lifestyle.  Yes, my thoughts didn’t go at ten million miles an hour and yes they didn’t bounce off the walls but I felt like somebody else…and to me, that’s not worth it.  I wanted to have a a toned down version of myself, meaning, still me but maybe more focused…  Is there such a thing as a focused without all those other side effects?   Or is this what focus is…  Is this how others live their lives?
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A few thoughts here and there…life in the slow lane…  Are you able to sit still because you have nothing better to do?  Is THIS why people get bored?!   Maybe I should be glad to have ADHD.   Maybe my million miles an hour thoughts and bouncing off the walls is a GOOD thing…I’m creative and constantly thinking of the next new thing…yes I get “bored” easy with the same activity over and over again but that’s where the million thoughts come into play.  Who has time to get bored when within five seconds you’re on to 30 other scenarios?!  When you can feel like a child and be amused by EVERYthing?!
Why would we want to stop this?   Why did I believe I had to be “normal” to be OK?

So I’m writing this to tell other people that hey, you’re not alone.  If you decide that you rather have ADHD than the dull existence some pill gives you, it’s OK.  I’m right here next to you and we can have our own little crazy boat.  Let’s embrace that kind of crazy!  At least we’ll never be bored and to me, that’s worth everything!  Yes, even the annoyance of having others tell you that you’re a spaz constantly.  You know what?  I think they’re jealous.  We’re the awesome creative ones.  We come up with stuff they haven’t even thought of…and yeah OK, we might need a little help reigning in everything once in a while but that’s not a bad trade off.  We get them out of the box and they keep us in for a bit.  Sounds like a win win to me!

Until next time, thanks for reading!  If you are so inclined to donate to my getting a laptop, here’s my kofi link: http://ko-fi.com/A1055U8 Thank you! 😀

 

Life sure is funny… Child Support intricacies.

Yup, life is definitely funny… Today I had to work on a case about a man who ran off to El Salvador instead of paying child support. It’s a bit ironic since I was just talking to my brother about my donor who kinda did the same thing. Of course, he was told that no, the donor paid child support and never skipped out.  I’m sure my brother got the lines fed to him and as a child, how would he know any better?  Who wants to think of their dad as a deadbeat?  I get it because it’s not a good word but how else do you describe someone who ran off and never looked back?  As a grown up, how can you see facts and still deny them?

My brother said, of course dad (his dad, not mine) paid, otherwise he’d be in jail!  Clearly that never happened  so he must have paid, right?!  Well no.  The man ran off to another country.  We have no jurisdiction there for one and for two while some deadbeats DO go to jail, the majority get away with murder, in a sense.  Why?  Because we rather give them the chance than throw them in jail where they have no chance.  But don’t run our patience to the ground.  There ARE those that go to jail.  The donor was lucky he didn’t get arrested on the spot when he came back into the country.  He’s very lucky that a lot of things that should have happened, didn’t.  But if he were a man he’d step up and say yeah, I screwed up but I’m here to own up to my responsibilities.  Here’s copies of the payments I made.

I have deadbeats who turned human in my office.  People who stopped running and owned up to their mistakes.  Some just want to start over and I love helping those people.  See, to me, you’re not a deadbeat if you’re trying.  But if you don’t even try, what am I supposed to do with you?  If you’re constantly running, what am I supposed to do with that?

Now see, back to the money issue.  The donor claims he has paid child support for all those years.  I don’t know how many but it probably wasn’t for 10+ years.  I know of two month’s worth, nothing more.  The sad thing is, it was only $50 a month for TWO children.  See, he was hiding back then too.  He had income but he told the judge he had none so he got set at a very low amount.  That much is also on record, that he told the judge he had no income but considering he was the only one working and couldn’t get on social services, he HAD income because they weren’t homeless.  He had an Audi which isn’t a cheap car, gas for said car, an apartment and presumably food on the table for him, his wife, and my brother.  How can a man afford such things without an income?  I guess it’s magic.

 
Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money so I doubt that $50 ever came in but who knows, maybe it did but somehow it magically came from El Salvador too I guess because he ran off and remained for many years.  No contact, no hey are you OK? Nothing.   But of course, he says that was my other donor’s doing. She didn’t let him see us.  Right… except when we turned 18 what was your excuse then?  See, the man has a lot of excuses and very poor action so forgive me if I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt too often.  I tried.  For MANY years I tried and all I got were a bunch of excuses with nothing to back things up.
 
Now the donor’s back in the country and well, I’m sure his debt is quite high but of course he can’t “pay” now he’s old and decrepit and blah blah blah. I hear the stories every day. It’s fine. Karma or God or whoever will take care of that guy, same as the other guy who ran off to El Salvador.  I seriously doubt he will step up to the plate now.  I seriously doubt he even cares to make things right.  He’s too caught up in people feeling sorry for him that he can just skirt by and people forgive him because he’s sick or feeble or whatever.  My life was harsh, very harsh, growing up so I have no sympathy for him.  I don’t swallow his lies nor do I care that he’s supposedly sick.  He’s not sick enough to travel all over, is he?  He wasn’t sick enough to work in El Salvador was he?  But to pay child support?  No, no, much too sick for that.  Yeah OK, sure.
 
Super long story short? A man who skips out on responsibility is NOT a man and never a father. Doesn’t matter if he was a “good” father to the other children. When your first born children become third class citizens, you’re not a father. You’re a SAD excuse for a man.  I cannot and will not respect that. I have enough BS at work to even start with that.
But it’s ironic, like I said, that I work where I work and in the department that I work. I didn’t pick it. Life just sent me that way for a reason. Perhaps to dig up the truth or to find out that not all guys are bad. To see both sides of a very convoluted and often sad sides of the coin where children are the ones who suffer because people just can’t get along.  I can understand hating your ex or at least strongly disliking them but don’t let the children pay the price because you chose the wrong person!  And that’s often what happens.  Children are the ones who pay the price for the stupid decisions so called grown ups make.
But all isn’t lost.  I do see the good ones and the ones who are trying. They collect cans and do whatever jobs to pay their support, however little they can for THEIR children. They get up when they’re tired, keep going even though they can’t or shouldn’t, they do whatever they can. THOSE are the real men.  THOSE are the fathers. But the fools who can’t even pay a dollar a month for their kids?  Those are not even human.  How can  they eat something and not pay ONE DOLLAR to their kids?  Ridiculous!!  Oh yes, I have a bunch out there who’s support order is that little.  Some are low enough that you can’t even buy a fast food meal with what they’re supposed to pay a month.  But do they?  Nope.
There are some support orders which are crazy, in my opinion, but I don’t make the rules, judges and courts do.  I just have to follow what they say.  So if there’s a support order out there and it needs to change, I know it’s a hassle to do the court stuff, but help yourselves and get help if you need it.  If your job is taking half your check and you’re still not paying the full support order, something is not right, you need help.  If your employer is taking more than half, something’s really wrong!  Call your agency to get that sorted.
Now I know I’ve been talking about men but I want to note that it isn’t just men who are deadbeats.  I have women deadbeats too.  Women who dump their kids on aging grandmothers and grandfathers.  Women who get knocked up and add to the burden.  Women who went to get something from somewhere and never came back.  As a mother I can’t even comprehend the level of, whatever it is, that’s going on.  You had LIFE inside you.  You felt the kicks and wiggles. But you just walked away?  I know parenting is hard.  I was a single parent myself but to just walk away?  Makes no sense!
What makes even WORSE sense is the women who’s men are TRYING desperately to connect with their children and the women say no you can’t because you don’t pay (enough) support, because you didn’t buy the right shoes, because you didn’t let the child eat (insert item.)  So many children out there are struggling and these women have the golden tickets but they say no.  It’s crazy!  Again, I say, it’s the children who pay the price.

Now I’m sure my donor will say that my other donor did this to him.  But since the dude ran off to El Salvador and never looked back, well, that story just doesn’t fly, does it?  Plus he had time to call me when my child was born, why didn’t he connect then?  Instead he got himself back on the pity bus and ran off again.   I tried to give him sooo many opportunities and well, my patience ran thin and now it’s gone.   I don’t need anyone like that in my life.  You go be the happy sack of whatever it is you are and leave me alone.  I know enough now to kind of figure out who’s a deadbeat and who isn’t.
And that was a hard lesson to learn too.  You hear the word deadbeat and these poor guys, they get called that, even the ones that are trying and there’s such stigma!  My job is to help those that are trying to figure something out.  And I do help.  I help those that reach out to me and ask for it.  I sometimes call and they sound so ashamed but are hopeless.  Some are so high in arrears that it makes my head spin and some feel they can never get out. But there is always hope and there are ways to help.
Although some probably think they can’t because they keep making bad decisions with a lot of women.  Same with the women who keep getting pregnant then dumping their kids or keep struggling with their kids, keep getting pregnant, and have several different fathers, sometimes as much as one kid, one father, 6 kids, 6 fathers, well you get the idea.  I would think these people would learn and stop but well, that’s another blog post.  Who knows what’s going on there.  Men and women both make bad decisions in my world.
I think it’s always a good idea to ask and get the facts.  Don’t run away, that just make things worse.  Don’t throw out your court papers or summons, that usually ends in disaster.  And for goodness sakes, think of the children you helped come to this crazy world.  Don’t make it worse for them because you and/or your ex are being idiots.  If you messed up before that’s OK, it happens, but don’t keep running away from your responsibilities.   One day, one of your kids might write a blog piece like this.  What would like them to say about you?  Wouldn’t it be better if they wrote, hey, at least they tried vs. nope, they were deadbeats through and through.  My donor doesn’t seem to care.  Don’t be one of those people.  Be human and be a grown up.  The truth is, I rather have had the time with the donor than the money.  But I got a raw deal and so do other children out there.  We are the voices that no one’s heard before.  I hope I have given them a voice now.
I’ll leave you with one last piece, one last story, if you will.  I had a guy call me and saying he’s not a deadbeat but he thought our office thought of him that way because he couldn’t pay his full support.  He took his child half of the week, every week, sometimes all week.  I said to him, sir, you’re not a deadbeat.  The fact that you take your child and that on top of that you try what you can to pay the support means you’re not a deadbeat.  Let’s see what we can do to help with the support amount.  I sent his case to be reviewed.  His original court order said he did no visitation and clearly that wasn’t the case now.  So you see?  People do change.  A man can go from deadbeat to human.  It happens in our office and it happens everywhere.  Men and women stand up for their kids.  Be that guy or that girl.  Make this nation of ours great by contributing to the upbringing of your kids.  Those are the stories that keep me going.  Those are the stories that make me think that the deadbeats can go human.  Even my donor, if he tried.  I think that ship is sailed but well, a girl can always have hope, right?  One day after 40 years a deadbeat can go human.   Hey, stranger things have happened, right?  You just never know.  And maybe someone out there will read this and turn human too.  I can always hope, for the sake of the children, that it happens. I always keep that in mind.  It’s about the children.  Let me be their voice and help these grown ups come to an agreement so the children can be better off.  I can’t do custody fights, that’s for the free family law facilitators, which I can send/give you information for but I can help when someone’s trying and struggling.  Those are the ones that make my job easier and most prideful.  I give my hats and my cheers to those people.  They surely deserve it!

Just a poem

Sadness isn’t the word…

By Catra Lynxey Tigress

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Today you left me all alone

Today I walked by myself

They say someone out there

carries you when you’re alone

but I don’t believe the fairy tale

I’m too old for that

 

Today you left me all alone

I know I’ll be OK

Eventually

But not today

Today I walk alone

Just like that tired song

 

Today you left me all alone

I can’t always bear the pain

but I know I’m strong

I know it will be OK

It’s not easy to smile

No longer easy to pretend

 

Today you left me all alone

And I can’t mourn anymore

I forgot how to be numb

I forgot how to stop

I need a hug

But I can’t hug myself the same

 

Today you left me all alone

And now

I have to walk away too

Will I see you again?

Rainbow bridges or a fake heaven?

Maybe one day it’ll be OK…

 

Just not

Today

This path is broken

My heart doesn’t know

happiness

Anymore

 

I’m having a secret love affair!

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Yes I know what you’re thinking… well it’s not so secret anymore, is it!  You’re writing the world about it, surely the other party will find out.  Nah, they won’t.  Firstly, they don’t ever read my blog, second, they don’t even go on the computer or a mobile device unless I’m on it and then they tend to distract me from it anyway so it doesn’t matter.  Let me explain:

The affair includes secret snuggles and pettings out of sight of my love.  I have a jealous love you see, so outright snuggles and pettings are out of the “OK”  realm, as I suppose, is rightly so, in their mind.  Have you ever seen so many commas?  Yes I’m digressing.  This isn’t an easy thing to admit!  Or maybe it is.  Do I feel guilty?  Only slightly…

It’s not that I don’t love my beloved, I do!  Wholeheartedly but you know how sometimes you just want two of something?  Kind of like seconds because well, the first one just wasn’t enough?  This is what’s happening.  It all started out so innocent, you see.  I was snuggling and petting my love and then, she jumped away and left me cold and unsnuggled.  I wasn’t unsatisfied but I also felt empty, does that even make sense?  Anyway I went and searched for a new love.   That way I would never be left un-snuggled.

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So of I went to find that new love that would make it all OK.  I searched for a while.  I found one, but then my kid decided to take her.  She too was unloved and who am I to decide to leave my kid without love?  I’m not a cruel mama, so I let her have that second love.  And I was back on the search!  This time, I was looking high and low.  I found some that were kind of interesting but all were failing the love test, except the last one, who was sneezing.  I can’t have a sick love… no, no… that would spread to my first love and besides, they wouldn’t let me have her that way.  So I went home, alone, again.  Hubs said we should have taken her anyway but I don’t know, I guess it just wasn’t time yet.  Hubs, you see, supports this affair.  He has no qualms about it.  Why?  Well, let me tell you some more.

It has nothing to do with the fact that my love is female.  I know, most guys love the whole two female thing but that’s not what’s happening here.  You see, my love, doesn’t have that much to do with him.  She might sit for a spell but she’s fickle.  She only loves for a bit then runs off, she’s very much the diva.  Her rules, her way, her attention or lack of, much like a dominatrix, in a sense, except there are no whips or chains, just claws…  I get scratched quite a bit.  But I don’t mind, I like having her love.  Have you guessed by now?

Hubs doesn’t really need as much attention from her anyway, so that could also be why…  Anyway, back to my story… I went back to searching and wouldn’t you know it?  I found him!   He was one of, I think, three choices again.  The shelter, where he lived, was full and they lied about his age.  He was tiny but oh the loves!  He was perfect!  I took him home and he’s been loving ever since.  I feel complete!  But this is how the love affair started.   My love, being fickle, decided she was also jealous.   She made her presence known.  As I type she’s sitting here, completely ignoring me, but letting me know she’s here.  Don’t worry, she won’t read the computer but she’s definitely giving me this look, though she’s not looking at me right now:

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So maybe now you understand why I have to have secret snuggles and pettings lest she find out!   She lets him know it’s not OK.   When she’s in full diva mode or snoring, I cuddle.  When I go to the restroom or early in the morning and my love is “tired” of me, I pet him and on occasion we even snuggle for a long time!   Sometimes she comes over and he runs off but for the most part, we’re doing OK.  And goodness is he loud about how pleased he is!   Good thing she doesn’t care too much about that.  She’s a bit loud herself but I think he’s louder!  I have no complaints.  It’s very soothing to hear that kind of pleasure and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  And you know?  He hasn’t clawed me once!  I’d say that was a bonus, but then how could he?  He’s not around enough for that, though he occasionally likes to nibble my hands but that’s not a big deal.  But against her, he stands no chance.  At least not yet… maybe when he gets older.  He’ll be bigger than her, no doubt!

For now, lucky for him, he’s not alone.  You see, when he came home we have another female who took him under her wing.  She protected him and, in a sense, acted like a surrogate mother to him.  He was very young, you see, when I got him.  They told me he was 4 months old and I knew better.   He was, at best, 2 months old and barely weighed anything.   He was already neutered and ready to go, so we took him home.  I’m sure the shelter was very happy to have one less mouth to feed.   Have you guessed by now?   I’m talking about our cats.

We have four.   One who might as well be a dog, he is most curious and lets people know he’s here but he’s not a bully unless you bring another animal in the house.  Then he’s pissy and growly for a few days (months?) and then he’s back to jolly again.  He did run out one of the cats, a gray male, who had no protector because his “sister” was my love.  She was a little diva back then!   I tried to protect him but cat against cat I was lost.  He ran away and I never got him back.   The rescue, where we got him, called about 3 months later I want to say? that they found him and were going to bring him back but after I told them the situation, they rehomed him.  I’m sure he’s happier now.  I was bittersweet.  Glad he was OK and sad he wasn’t here with me.  But now I understand why.

This new baby cat had our second female, a strong female who, I guess, is the equivalent of Mr. pissy, which we named Kink because his tail has a kink in it.  Yeah, we’re not that creative…  The second female is named Dash because she used to run around like a mad kitty from place to place.  She doesn’t do that anymore unless you want to cuddle, then she runs off and when she can’t I swear her eyes grow three times the size of her head and well, that’s just weird.   I think she should be called Bug but hubs wants to keep Dash, so there she is.  She’s very secure and maybe that’s why Munchie, the little guy, was able to “survive” Kink’s  mean streak.   Kink is fine with Munchie now, by the way.  That’s Kink chewing on the cord… Dash is the one on the top rank observing everything.  She was kind of top dog even when she was little, haha.

three cats in the tree

That little dark one there?  That was Shark.  She ate everything in her path and she could smell food from miles away.  She could be peacefully sleeping but if you went to the kitchen and got some food, suddenly you had a cat attached to your hip!  Unfortunately, she was also skittish.  She couldn’t survive the diva so she hid a lot.  We toyed with naming her Skittles for a while.  I loved her though.  I lost her in the fourth of July fire last year.  We took almost half an hour trying to catch her as we had to evacuate.  We finally did but her brain was broken.  She was so scared after that she was super skittles after we came home.   They day after, I went to work, came home and she was nowhere to be found.  I thought, becuase she was hiding a lot before, she was still scared from the fire insanity.  But no, I never found her.   We can only assume she ran out.  We looked high and low, left food out, etc. but my little one never came home…  It was probably her love I was missing before I got Munchie.  I can still hope that one day she comes back, she has a chip, but as time goes, it seems less likely.  But you never know, I might have 5 cats one day!

That was sad news, but if that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have found Munchie, named because he likes to chew on a lot of things, my hands included, is my second love.  He’s the one I’m having the affair with.  As I said, he purrs up a storm but for now, I have to keep him “hidden” from the diva, as far as our affections are concerned.  Here are the duos, you can see Munchie with Dash, back when they both fit in one of the cat tree beds.  They don’t fit like that anymore…

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But they still remain friends, together.  Now I bet you’re wondering where the diva cat is… well, surprisingly, her name is not Ms. Diva though it should be.  I told you, we aren’t that creative.  Her name is Furrette though originally I was planning on calling her silver, because of her colour… I should have know I was in trouble…at the rescue, her name was Princess.  Yup, she lives up to that name, except now I think it’s the queen.  But only to me, I think.  Dash and Kink tend to be the ones that go hey, what’s going on?  While Furrette is perfectly content ignoring  everyone and sometimes she does it so well you can’t even see her!  So, without further ado, here’s my love, the jealous cow, as I call her affectionately.  The one whom I love to see and she loves to ignore me, at least until she decides she wants the cuddles, then I can’t get her off me.  Unless hubs walks in, then I get scratched as she jumps off.  No sir, you can’t watch her cuddle!  That’s some kind of sacrilege!   Anyway, here she is in all her glory giving the, “And who said you can take a picture?!” look:Message_1413866887420[1]

That’s Kink again.  He’s into everything, so of course he’s in there too.  She’s more camera shy so I don’t have too many of her but the ones I do, Kink’s usually there too, haha.  The only reason he’s not there with Dash and Munchie is because he didn’t fit but chances are he was in another spot on the tree or nearby.  He loves to explore and if you have something in your hand he wants to know what it is, even if you just showed him.

I love my fur kids!  Every day is very entertaining.   Do you forgive me for having an affair?  I hope so!  I’m sure you have your own in some way or another.  And if you have a diva like I do, let me know!  Thanks for reading!

Edit:  I forgot to say all my cats are from rescue or from the shelter.  I’ve only had rescue pets and they’ve always been the best.  Please adopt from a rescue/shelter before buying.   You’ll be glad you did!

Sia’s Chandelier song and video. What happened when I listened to it and paid attention.

I liked this song from the first time I heard it to the last time I heard it…which was recently because I watched the video.  Only I thought it was Rihanna singing, not Sia.  I thought it had a good tune and I enjoyed it. I never really paid attention to the lyrics.  Then I watched the video and saw people calling it porno.  Say what?!

I saw a little girl dancing, granted it was an odd type of dance as she’s jagged in some places and looking like she’s going mad in others but in general, this girl is, well… dancing!   There’s no porno moves, she’s not being overly sexual, she’s just doing a dance in an empty, albeit decrepit looking, house by herself.  Oh but people like to make noise, don’t they?  She’s dancing in a flesh coloured leotard and she’s wearing a bit of makeup.  Oh my god, sound the alarms!  Kid being exploited!  Let’s get serious.  At first glance, I thought it was just a kid in a house dancing around because her parents weren’t home so she had free roam.  What’s a girl to do but put on makeup and run around naked?!  No?  Y’all didn’t do that as kids?  Hmmm…. OK… fiiiiinnnneee then!   I know my kid liked to run around naked when she was a toddler and I admit, the freedom of naked is nice but well, we’re a civilised society aren’t we?  No no, we must wear clothes at all times!  Hell, I’m still waiting for people to start taking showers and baths in swimsuits because god forbid we’re ever naked… people have sex with clothes on, all we need is a crotchless panty that looks full and a fly with the zipper open but in general god no, we don’t touch skin!  Oy….

So yeah, I can see why people are calling this porn or why it’s disturbing to see someone run naked and free.  But is it right?  Not if you’re so sexualised yourself (read: you need to get laid) that you see everything as some kind of sexual act.  So please, take measures into your own hands (if you can’t find someone else) and CHILLAX!!

CALM YOURSELF!

Seriously, stop looking for things that aren’t there!   Anyway, back to the song.   From what I’m told, it’s supposed to be about Sia’s journey through alcoholism.  The video makes sense now.  If you’ve ever been depressed or addicted, this might make sense to you.  As a child, all you can do is cope with what little control you have over circumstances.  You’re vulnerable and in a sense, naked, for all to see but you can’t let them see.  You must be the perfect child or something went wrong and you get beaten.  I don’t know if Sia got beaten but I did.  I wasn’t perfect enough.

Maybe now the naked and free comment I made earlier makes better sense to you now or maybe you still think I’m weird.   No biggie.  The point is, the little girl in the video is doing what she can.  She’s trying to dance her way through this hell of a life.  She has no parents or they’re absent, she has no food, she has no on really there for herself… she’s drowning in her own life.  That’s addiction.  And in a sense, depression is a type of addiction.  You’re addicted to being sad or to being taken cared of or something like that.  At least that’s how it was for me.

It was much easier to be sad than to actually do something about it.  Emotional growth is a bitch and it’s hard to do.  I imagine kicking off an addiction is similar if not worse than that.  It’s easier to medicate yourself with something than to deal with something for real.  The emotional pain you felt as a child.  Easier to drink/smoke it away, eat it away, cry it away, sell yourself short, put yourself down, ANYTHING to make it go away outside of facing it…  It’s a lot harder to face those demons when you’re sober… a lot harder to slay them when you know what they are and what they’ve done to you.  So yeah, I understand how one can stay addicted for ever.  Some just never want to move on…

Let’s move on to the lyrics:

Party girls don’t get hurt/Can’t feel anything, when will I learn/I push it down, push it down

When I was at my worst, this is how I felt.  I was numb and I spent many years being numb.  Not hurt, not happy, not anything, just surviving my own worst war.  I pushed everything down and I avoided confrontation of any kind.  I wasn’t promiscuous, I didn’t do anything stupid, didn’t gamble my money away, and I didn’t get into any addictions.  And by that I mean I didn’t go out and get drunk, do drugs, or smoke things.  I just drew, listened to music, and I slept, a lot.

She continues:

I’m the one “for a good time call”/Phone’s blowin’ up, they’re ringin’ my doorbell/I feel the love, feel the love

I’ve heard drunk or wasted girls always get attention because they’re so “easy” and lord knows boys like easy girls.  They don’t have to pay for sex, just find the wasted chick and go there.  The girl, starving for affection, goes yeah I’m being loved!  And I can relate to this in some weird way.  When I was younger, all I wanted was love but it never happened.  When I got older I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend and it didn’t really matter who he was.  I didn’t get sexual with all of them but the feeling was the same.  As long as I was with “someone” I was OK.  I was loved.  This, sadly, translated to sex equals love.  And though I still didn’t get promiscuous, I had sex every chance I had and everywhere I could, which of course, the guy I was with loved.  Up until recently, I had yet to meet a guy who didn’t love to have sex every day at least once or thrice…  But the sex was always empty.  I loved the moment, but not the after.  With my last ex I felt like I had sold out my soul.  Thinking back, I played it safe, but I could have easily been a promiscuous girl.

Sia’s Pre-Chorus goes like this:

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink/1,2,3 1,2,3 drink/1,2,3 1,2,3 drink/Throw ’em back, ’til I lose count

I think mine went more like 123 boink… you get what I mean… keep going til I can’t feel anymore…  Til I’m sore and walking funny because I know I was loved right…  I was delusional… so was the girl in this song…

And we move into the chorus:

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier/I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist/Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry/I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I lived a lot like this too.  My chandelier was moving on through life but not really living.  I lived like tomorrow didn’t exist and as I child I had so hoped it didn’t… but well, as you can see… it did..  I cried at night and prayed to die… I cried in the morning when I didn’t… those tears were hot and when they dried, it felt like slime from a slug, but it was proof I was still alive…and at the time, that wasn’t a good thing.  As I got older, the rest of the chorus resonates with me.

It goes like this:

But I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes/Keep my glass full until morning light, ‘cos I’m just holding on for tonight/Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes/Keep my glass full until morning light, ‘cos I’m just holding on for tonight/On for tonight

I had given up the dream of dying so my job was just to survive the day or the parts where it wasn’t OK to sleep.  I held on to what dear life I had…that light inside all of us…but it was buried under everything else.  I didn’t look anywhere, didn’t do anything, I just floated along in life, aimless and helpless.  I kept my “glass full” at night by sleeping.  But the feeling was the same… if I could sleep…I could get away from this hell…  I could live while I slept…I could dream and be somewhere else.  That’s how my book came about… all those dreams kept me sane…  It’s why I called it “In Dreams She Slept” and why it went from one book to a series.  I put it up in Kindle if anyone is interested or you can message me but  I’m not going to talk about it here.  I added writing to the mix of music, art, and sleeping.  This helped me more than any therapy had ever done.  Now let’s me go back to the song.

Sia continues:

Sun is up, I’m a mess/Gotta get out now, gotta run from this/Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

I was a mess because I slept too much… the shame wasn’t in sleeping… the shame was that I had to live this life.  That I was sure everyone could tell I was messed up…and I was…  I was all kinds of screw up in my own head.  I worked but didn’t do anything brilliant.  I ate but couldn’t taste anything. I couldn’t smell the roses even if I wanted to because everything was always poisoned.   In Sia’s song, the shame came from being that “drunk girl” again.  And from what I’m told, people who drink or do drugs can’t help themselves.  Even if they want to stop, they can’t because the shame throws them into another spiral which makes them want to get drunk/wasted again.  In my case, it was the I’m worthless so why am I hear spiral.  And I fell deeper and deeper into depression or what I called, fatigue.

Sia’s song, after this, goes back to pre chorus and chorus but the message is that all you want to do is hold on… pass the horrid by medicating yourself any way you can.  Fly like a bird through the night… you’re blind but keep going anyway…  you go crazy in your own head…perhaps you go crazy out in the real world too…and there’s nothing you can do because you’re spinning around in circles and nothing you can do stops that.

In my case I went to get therapy and I got into more trouble.  It wasn’t until I faced my demons that everything stopped spinning.  Now therapy works for some people and for others it’s a huge disaster.  It was for me.  It made me need to hide everything I ever felt because I needed to stay out of the mental institution.  I had to pretend I was more or less normal or else I would die for real…  And by that time, it’s not what I wanted.  I had a child, you see, and I was alone.  Dying was NOT an option.  So I swallowed more fears and drank away my tears.  I was… normal…

It could have been easy to drink my trouble away.  It could have been easy to smoke them or drug them away.  But that wasn’t me… I became a control freak, which oddly enough, I’m told, so are some addicts.   So can I really say I wasn’t addicted to anything?  I don’t know…  I could argue I was addicted to sex and I was addicted to sleeping…I also became a hoarder…not to extremes in any of these categories, mind you, but the traits are still there.

The thing about addiction, depression, and everything else in life is that the only one who can “fix it” is you.  You are the ONLY key!  And like I said, the demons are very hard to slay and you have to go through more tears and more emotional hell before you can come out the other side.  I’m no longer depressed.  Now I have to deal with different demons.  I’m not out of the woods at all, but I’m further down the road then I was from childhood, to teens, to mid 20’s.   So if you’re struggling with something, please don’t despair.  There IS a way out and there IS hope.  And if you need an ear, a shoulder, a hand (as much as I can hold your hand via internet, I mean) give me a jingle.  I don’t know if I’ve already said too much but I hope at least some of it helps you.  Music saved my life and it still saves my soul from time to time.  People tell stories through music, art, and writing.  My drawings/paintings, so far, haven’t told a story, at least not to me, so I tell mine through words, but I hope between all of us (writers, artists, musicians) we can both heal or help those that need it.

National Novel Writing Month (also known as NaNoWriMo)

I will refer to this as Nano from now on because let’s face it, I’m lazy.  I’m a writer, yes, but I like to keep words short and simple.  Not that I can’t write long words like Onomatopoeia because I clearly can, I just prefer not to… call it the layman in me.  (My mind just went elsewhere, as it always does, with that word.)

I like to speak to people the way most people speak, the general public, I mean.  I know we have the elites, the academics, and the professor intellect types and those people use more eloquent words.  And there’s also the people who’s schooling didn’t go that far or maybe they just weren’t paying attention…  I don’t know.  What I do know is I don’t speak like that either.  So for me, I have to find a comfortable middle ground.  I’m not going to go on speaking or writing like I’m in a constant IM or text conversation.  To me, that’s a bit silly and it can be confusing.  “UR gon insane 2n g2g mk, ttyl.”  took me a long time to type because I’m just not that versed in this kind of speech.  And maybe no one speaks like this, but I’ve seen a lot of text speech, as I call it and I can figure it out, for the most part, but I gotta wonder how much in a hurry someone is if they have to type like this all the time?  I’m not that much in a hurry, so I type normal or maybe lazily is a better term…

OK, now that I have that out of the way I can talk about Nano, the original thought and hence the title of this piece.  Nano is a once a year deal where writers all over the world go crazy and try to type out 50K words in one month.  Not a huge deal for some of us but a humongous almost impossible (and for some it IS an impossible) task.  I’m not in a hurry.  I write what I write and sometimes I write 50k in a weekend, sometimes it takes a few weeks, but a whole month?  There is no issue here for me… but then again, I tend to talk too much and write just as much so that’s my reasoning for why this month is like no other for me.

The thing about Nano is people think it’s supposed to be some prettied up piece of prose and it reall isn’t.  All first drafts tend to be crap when you’re writing a novel… oh right… I forgot to tell you this happens ever November.  My guess is because it’s “Novel” and “November” makes it easier to remember what time of year this happens.   In any case, as other people are sitting around sweating their ugly novels, I’m sitting around writing this piece for you guys.  Does it count for my word count?  Of coures it does.  You see, the easy thing about Nano is they only care about word count.  Not content, not pieces, not anything more than word counts.  So if you want to write Nano 50 thousand times, you can, and you’d still win!  And that’s what people want to see… the words “I won NaNoWriMo” on their accomplished list.  I see the attraction.
But what happens to those that don’t make it?  Some people work 12 hour days, they have babies, they have families, or events that make it impossible for them to write?  Well… now they feel like utter crap because they couldn’t write 50K words, real words, in one month.  I don’t think that’s fair.  As a writer, the more you write, the better and easier it gets.  So why was this event even created?  I’m not going into a history lesson.  I’ll give you my thoughts on the matter.  I imagine it started with the idea of pushing writers to write.  Not a bad idea… this motivation of winning a prize seems to work for some people.  Even if the prize is “I won nothing but satisfaction!”  Ey, not a bad idea, right?  Some people go nuts and decided to write their 50K in ONE day.  So they prep and write and write and write for one day and BAM, November 1st comes and goes and they won.  I wonder what they do the rest of the month?  Do they try to win twice?  Three times? Or do they simply hang up their shoes (or typewriters?) til next year?  Hmmm…   I should go ask…

After 50K in a day, do they look like this?

Now for those of you thinking well it can’t be that hard to write 50K words in a month, I suggest you try it.  This little piece of mine says that I’ve only written 792 words up until the number.  So not even a thousand words and look how much I’ve said already?  Imagine a whole novel… 50 times the size of this blog piece…  Still think it’s easy?  OK…   Maybe you’re just like me and this piece takes you like 10 minutes, not a whole afternoon.  I’m lucky though… I have no distractions, except maybe facebook or the internet.  But if I sit down to actually write, it doesn’t take long to say stuff.

If you’re a writer, your desk (writing area) just might look like this and that’s normal!

And yes, this piece will go in my Nano piece, along with my other pieces, for this word count.  I know I just said that, but see, I have to make more words or this thing will be too short.  Now I’m just having fun with you.  The truth is, I’m paranoid.  I don’t want to post my novel on a site where it might get stolen, so instead, I’m writing this piece and this will serve as my word count.  Perhaps I’ll post this same pice 50 times in there…  I mean, why not?  If word count is all that matters, then this piece should be like no other and then I too would have won Nano…  But don’t think that I’m cheating.  My novel, which is currently (so far) 70K words is my real reason for winning.  I just don’t feel like posting it to that site, as I said, I’m paranoid…

My novel keeps growing and growing, just as it always has… I started, a long time ago, with a notebook… I then wrote and wrote and wrote… 3000 plus pages later, I had my book and it wasn’t finished, I just had to start typing it on a computer and well it grew from there… now the thing is a monster and a series… it also spiked up other pieces I wasn’t expecting to write but that’s what happens when you’re a writer… you write this, that, and the other and plot bunnies later, you end up with several pieces to work on at the same time.  When I entered Nano I had one idea… it then spat out 5 others… now I have 6 and the list keeps growing!  Can you see why I have no problems with the 50k?

I hope you didn’t just do this:


Plot bunnies, in case you don’t know, are these magical creatures that come and reproduce on your writing piece as you’re working it… so let’s say you have boy meets girl, falls in love with girl, lives happily ever after.  Yes, it can be that simple.  A plot bunny will come along in the middle of your story and make more babies… next thing you know you have this:  bboy meets girl, meets other boy, wonders if he’s gay, decides he’s bisexual and polyamorous, so he marries both boy and girl and they live, no, not happily ever after because girl decides she doesn’t want to be poly and second boy decides he doesn’t want to be with a bisexual, so they both dump the first boy and boy becomes emo… but wait, then he drinks some elixir potion thing and it turns him into a unicorn who loves waffles…  Yeah, it’s THAT random… plot bunnies are fun and evil at the same time.  And well, what you first started with is not how you ended.   In my book, my characters were happy.  Plot bunnies decided that was too easy.  And if you ever read my books, then you’ll see what I mean.  They created a lot of drama for my poor characters…and they still are, creating drama, and the thing about plot bunnies is, you never know when or where they will show up.  You can try shooing them away and shooting at them and maybe even killing them but believe you me, they WILL come back in full force, so you might as well just go with it.  And that’s what I do…

It was plot bunnies who got me the 6 ideas and its’ them who’s creating more every day…  And now I know why some writers are full time!  There just isn’t enough time in a day to write all the things the plot bunnies want you to or that you can write without going nuts!  And this is probably why a lot of writers are seen as “nuts” because we have stuff going on all the time in our heads.  Add to the face that I’m a girl and well, you can only imagine the insanity that’s going on in my brain right now.  But you know what? I’ve written 1600 plus words now and I didn’t mean to… dang plot bunnies…  I wish you could see what I mean about them.  I meant to write a simple piece about Nano and now I’ve written about other things that may or may not have entertained you.  I better get off this piece now.

I’ll see you guys in the next one!  I’ll write something fun… maybe another “let’s look at this song” piece?  Word count or not, I want to keep writing today.  Shouldn’t be so hard… these plot bunnies are in full force today!  Catch you next time!

This Hobby Lobby thing is going crazy. I am not a Christian but I kind of side with this company.

Kind of, I say, because I don’t want Christianity to define who I am. All my life I’ve been “saved” by Christians… I’m a proud heathen… I am not going to start with a religion that killed, maimed, tortured, and raped my people. But I get it, not all Christians are bad. I’ve just run into the bad apples, sadly enough, for most of my life. I have met a couple of good ones though, so I know they exist.  I am glad they’re not all like this:

https://i1.wp.com/images.sodahead.com/polls/003693873/Uii-108674753576_xlarge.jpeg

Back to Hobby Lobby though…  They’re a business, a Christian business, but a business nonetheless.  Now, I don’t know the WHOLE story but from my understanding they simply said “We’re not going to pay for the morning after pill or anything like that because it’s against our religious belief to promote abortion.”

Anyone who knows devout Christians knows this is true for them.  They don’t believe in abortion.  Some are extreme and don’t believe in birth control, period, but this business isn’t that extreme.  Heck, we should all be glad they provide health care at all.  Most places around me don’t give employees access to such things.  We usually have to find and pay for our own.  In which case I say, lucky Christians… at least the reast of their care is taken cared of…and let’s be honest… do they not promote absenteeism anyway? Do they not say no sex before marriage?  And let’s say they allow sex before marriage, then I’m sure they say be protected so you never have to worry about the morning after pill.

Either which way, the people working for and in Hobby Lobby never had issues with the regulation of no morning after pill.  Why?  Because they’re all of the same mind.  So why would they even care?  They don’t see anythign wrong with what the company stands for and what they will or won’t pay for…and that there, is the bottom line.  It’s the rest of the world that has issues.

It got so out of control that my facebook is blowing up about how they don’t want to pay for birth control or how they decide what healthcare you get.   Well folks… that’s what having a JOB is about.  Someone else dictating what you do with your own life.  Think about it…  This boss tells you when to come to work, when to leave, when to go to break, when to eat lunch, when to go to the bathroom, and in most cases, all they care about ist hat you produce and make money for THEM and in the meanwhile they give you the penny leftovers.  So is it any wonder they would dictate your healthcare too?   Hobby Lobby isn’t the first company to say well, we’re going to pay for X but not Z.  If you’re too high risk, you don’t get “that” insurance… in fact, they say well gee, you only work X hours but you need to be working Y hours before you can get insurance.  basically, your boss is your life…or rather, they tell you what to do all the time.  Hell, some will send you home with homework so you can be productive for them on your OWN time… yeah, they don’t even pay you for that….  You just better have it done or you’re fired.  Sound familiar?

I'm the boss

So what’s the solution?  Work for yourself or find a new job or quit your bitching.  All of those choices and plenty more I haven’t thought of are THERE for you if you come across a situation at work you don’t like.  Not all choices are pretty and in a bow…  if you work for yourself you have to work way harder and often the rewards don’t show up for a long time!  But it’s worth it to be independent, believe me.

Now as a business owner I wouldn’t want the government or anyone else telling me what I can and can’t do in my business… for example, if you were a vegan and the government came and said now you have to eat meat for one meal a day you’d be pissed.  Especially if the consequence is you go to jail where they have NOTHING vegan there.

So Hobby Lobby was pushed up the wall.  The government said  hey, you need to pay for the morning after pill and they said no, we don’t believe in promoting abortion, we’re not doing it.  And the government said oh yeah?  Well guess what, you HAVE TO… it’s mandated or else.  They chose the else…which was… go to court and win the case based on religious freedom.

And that’s all this was about… they didn’t want to be forced to do something they felt was wrong.  It would be like if I was business owner who suddenly had to pay for poachers because they were endangered or because they were important somehow.  I’d be pissed and I’d flat out refuse.  I’d close my business before I let that happen…  And  I don’t know if Hobby Lobby would have closed their doors if they had lost but I’m sure they had as much passion and conviction in their belief as I do in regards to getting rid of all poachers, child molesters, animal abusers or cruelty promoters/offenders, rapists, and murderers.  For me, this is the preferred state for those folks:

https://i2.wp.com/www.doublebearproductions.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/dead_state_render_18.jpgSo I agree with Hobby Lobby.  Government has no right to tell you what to do.  However, the government DID open a can of worms by letting this happen.  They DO have to now make sure they enforce the same right for all religions, not just Christian.  Which means, based on religious POV’s now a business can deny or accept whatever the want.  Is that fair?  Maybe not, but if it bothers you, the simple solution is don’t shop there.

Not too long ago I read about a business that didn’t cater to gay people or transgenders.  So, I say, OK, no problem.  We, who support equality for all, just won’t shop there.  Barilla pasta company which is my favourite brand, or it was, rather, is anti gay, so I won’t buy that anymore.  Neither do a bunch of other people.  In my opinion, it’s not my call to say whether gay is right or wrong.  I let people live as they want as long as they aren’t doing something with minors or animals.  What two consenting adults do in the bedroom is NONE of my business, just keep it out of my face.  And that goes for heterosexuals too.  I don’t need your extreme PDA in my face.

Now it’s possible I have the whole story wrong and Hobby Lobby is worse than I think but from a business POV I say hey, don’t tell me how to run my business.  Clearly you can’t even run your own (because our government officials tend to suck) so don’t tell me what to do.  Get yourself together and we’ll talk, alright? Alright…  Peace, three cents,  and out!