What Ritalin did to me…

I don’t know why more people don’t talk about this or maybe I’m in the wrong forums/places.   In any case, I hear about college students and “normal” people taking this and getting through exams and life and bouncing off walls like it’s some kind of amazing high!!  But this is an ADHD medication…   It’s a stimulant but it doesn’t work that way on us…or at least, on me.   When I heard about it, I expected magic in a bottle!

Wallpaper-amazing

What do you mean I’m going to be able to focus and not have ten million things running around in my head at any given second?!  Are you kidding me?! That’s fantastic!!  And I don’t have to get up every ten minutes or change what I’m doing because fidget…?!  Really!?  Oh my god, give me a gallon’s worth!!

I should have known better… they do always say “if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is…” and they, whoever they are, are right. It was way too good to be true.  My first day taking it, I was giddy with excitement…more than my usual bounce off the walls excitement… I was like wow, I’ll be able to get work done! Let’s down this sucker!

Almost instantly, I felt this…

Only… I wasn’t looking through the wave… I was IN it… tumbling around like some kind of Alice in Wonderland experience when she inhaled too much of whatever that caterpillar was smoking.   I was under water…in some kind of fog…I went to my chair and sat down…I was dizzy…I melted into the chair and sat staring at my computer.  After 30 mins I went to eat something…couldn’t tell you what that was…  I was walking through molasses.  It took a lot of effort to put things together.  I went back to my computer and sat, again…watched something…couldn’t tell you what that was either.

But I was still… I sat there for the next couple of hours…I opened up maybe 10 tabs in my browser as opposed to my usual 30-50 or whatever…  As time passed the fog got thicker and thicker…my hands were heavy…my body was heaving…as if I was in some kind of haze from staying up way too late and was incredibly groggy!  But I was sitting still…  I then got up to throw up…but I had no food in my stomach so I dry heaved…nasty bitterness… I ate something and it calmed down the heaves…  I learned that from pregnancy.  It must be a fluke… I went to bed…

I tried it again the next day…same thing but the fog was even thicker…and it wasn’t until today that I realised I was depressed…not like the mental illness exactly…but like being held down by something.  My usual Tiggerness had turned into Eeyore… or for those who are fans of MLP, I had gone from Pinkie Pie to a seriously depressed Pinkamena.  I see why they give this to kids…keeps them at their seat and they have to struggle just to SEE anything that it keeps them nice and quiet.

Oh yeah, I had that wonderful effect too…all my senses were dulled.  I saw something but it took a moment to process it…I touched something but it took a moment to figure out what it was… I can see why they say don’t drive while under this…I had to struggle just to SIT at my desk, it wasn’t fun.  I called the doctor and left a message.  Is this normal?!   After some time she called back and left me a message as I was passed out…my body’s defense mechanism is to fall asleep…and since I couldn’t really function anyway, I obliged.  The message said to cut down the dose…mind you, I was already on the lowest dose… 10 mg.  But I did as told and half-ed it.   Didn’t make a difference….

The same fog, heavier and heavier, the more I take… And mind you, I took a couple of days off just to wear off the bad effects… Especially the, if I don’t eat every couple of hours I dry heave. This is NOT fun.  I asked someone else taking a different med but has ADHD too what I’m supposed to feel and they told me that it does slow things down so you can focus.  They suggested I take less….hmmm… I don’t think that taking 2.5 mg is going to help…I’ll probably still get fogged…and I still have the side effects.

Another person who took this back in High School told me that they had the same thing happen to them but that their parental unit insisted they take the med to keep them quiet and compliant.  I don’t think that’s a good thing…  Anyway, they took the normal dose of 30 mg and they got the same thing as me…so it’s the med, not the person.   I looked online and couldn’t really find anyone talking about this.  Why?  Am I the one in a million?

Do people rather have the glorification of making themselves dulled and depressed?  Is that the preference?  I sure as heck don’t like it!  I don’t know why anyone would like this tumbled upside down, foggy, sleepy, and dull lifestyle.  Yes, my thoughts didn’t go at ten million miles an hour and yes they didn’t bounce off the walls but I felt like somebody else…and to me, that’s not worth it.  I wanted to have a a toned down version of myself, meaning, still me but maybe more focused…  Is there such a thing as a focused without all those other side effects?   Or is this what focus is…  Is this how others live their lives?
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A few thoughts here and there…life in the slow lane…  Are you able to sit still because you have nothing better to do?  Is THIS why people get bored?!   Maybe I should be glad to have ADHD.   Maybe my million miles an hour thoughts and bouncing off the walls is a GOOD thing…I’m creative and constantly thinking of the next new thing…yes I get “bored” easy with the same activity over and over again but that’s where the million thoughts come into play.  Who has time to get bored when within five seconds you’re on to 30 other scenarios?!  When you can feel like a child and be amused by EVERYthing?!
Why would we want to stop this?   Why did I believe I had to be “normal” to be OK?

So I’m writing this to tell other people that hey, you’re not alone.  If you decide that you rather have ADHD than the dull existence some pill gives you, it’s OK.  I’m right here next to you and we can have our own little crazy boat.  Let’s embrace that kind of crazy!  At least we’ll never be bored and to me, that’s worth everything!  Yes, even the annoyance of having others tell you that you’re a spaz constantly.  You know what?  I think they’re jealous.  We’re the awesome creative ones.  We come up with stuff they haven’t even thought of…and yeah OK, we might need a little help reigning in everything once in a while but that’s not a bad trade off.  We get them out of the box and they keep us in for a bit.  Sounds like a win win to me!

Until next time, thanks for reading!  If you are so inclined to donate to my getting a laptop, here’s my kofi link: http://ko-fi.com/A1055U8 Thank you! 😀

 

How I could steal your guy and not just because I’m a cougar now.

I realise cougars are a hot trend right now and I am with a guy who’s 10 years younger than me so they tell me I’m a cougar now, just for that.  Honestly, that was never a goal I set out for myself.  He was cute and he was nice and that’s what did the whole one thing led to another thing.  Do I enjoy being a cougar?  Not particularly…other than yeah, my dude’s cuter than the dudes my age or older.  I tend to go for personality.

BUT if I really wanted to get a hot young guy, I could.  And this is the reason for this post.   See, we “older” gals have a couple of thigns going for us.  We are usually drama free.  We know what we want and we get it.  We don’t make mountains out of molehills out of most situations.  We tend to be laid back.  And well, they say we have more skills than the younger girls in the bedroom.  I wouldn’t know.  I’ve never been with a young girl and I don’t really want to do that so I’ll take the guys’ word for it on that one.  I do know I don’t have the hang ups on looks that I did when I was younger, so I can be more relaxed and “into it” vs. worrying.  For some reason, guys think that’s hot.  Go figure.  And one last thing?  We know how to take care of young guys…well, guys in general…  This could mean in the bedroom and out of it.


So what’s a young chickie supposed to do?  Well, for one thing take care of your guy.  Don’t let your drama get ridiculous.  I realise that in your 20’s everything is such a huge deal but trust me, it’s not.  There is NOTHING in the world worth the aggravation.  You know what else we’re good at?  Listening to your guy.  So when you guys are all hung up in your next shoe or fashion drama or figuring out what his next dick mood is, there I am, listening to him and asking him about HIS day and what is going on in HIS life.

When you’re bitching about how he never spends time with you because he likes to go out with his friends, I’m the one having fun with him and his friends.  I don’t care if he goes or not.  I only care that he comes back in one piece.  If he likes to play video games, chances are I’m playing games with him.   And if he wants to be alone, I don’t get up in his face about it.  I give him alone time.   When you complain that he doesn’t care because he forgot to get you flowers, I’m the one who says that’s OK, you can get me flowers tomorrow.  Or if he can’t make that “special” date because he’s working and you go crazy?  I’m the one who says who cares, we’ll do it another day.

When you’re griping and trying to guilt trip him into marrying you, I’mt he one saying I don’t want to get married.  I just want to have fun.  Chances are, my biological clock has gone off and it’s on permanent snooze.  I don’t want to make babies anymore so I have no pressures or melt downs over not making things happen to some imaginary plan that girls are (I guess?) born with and I’m already over it.

Basically it boils down to this:

That isn’t to say we’re perfect.  Of course, if the dude wants to have a family, chances are he’ll go back to you chickies, but my guess is he’ll wait til you’re a little older and over your drama some more.  No guy likes drama as much as girls in the 20’s love drama.  We ALL say we don’t want it, don’t like it, hate it, etc. etc. but god knows at that age, we sure as heck know how to find it all the time!

And what about the older guys?  Why do we “lose”t hem?  Well… chances are they’re boring and into watching tv and couch surfing.  This is where the younger guys win over the older ones.   The thing is, chances are we know how to drive this relationship machine…so did we really “lose” the guy or did we just decide to make them the jerks who “leave us” so we look better?   Bet you didn’t know that one, did you?

Don’t worry girls…  by the time you’re in your mid 30’s all of this will make sense.  And you wish you had the wisdom back in your 20’s so you didn’t drive guys crazy and get friend zoned or dumped.  There is, however, a ray of hope.  If you pay attention to your guy, he won’t be looking for someone else’s attention.

And this is true for every age group.  When that guy no longer feels appreciated and no longer heard, he’ll be looking for someone else to fill that “void” and make him feel special again.  Because, as much as we love being special and feeling special, we often forget that guys need that too.  In all my observations of male and female interaction it always boils down to this one thing:  Guys just want to be heard.   In case you haven’t noticed, he doesn’t say too much but when he does, it’s because whatever it is, is important to him.  In guy speak, if he’s saying something, it’s because it needs to be said.


Now here’s my confession.  I don’t actually go out and steal guys.  I am not a home wrecker.  If he’s your boyfriend and I know it, I’ll leave him alone.  I don’t need someone else’s man when I can get my own.  But there are a lot of girls/women who aren’t as respectful.  And maybe you’re one of those girls who think a guy can’t be stolen because if he was a “real” man, he wouldn’t be stolen.   And some guys are loyal and faithful to their core.  They won’t cheat on you, but he just might be miserable… and who wants to do that to someone else?  Everyone deserves happiness, don’t they?

So if you learn anything from this, learn to pay attention to your guy.  If he knows he’s your world, he won’t need to find someone else to make him feel like a super hero.  He’ll be happy to be with you.  And you know what else?  The happier you make him, the happier you’ll be.  Why?  Because that dude will turn over graves for you.   So what if he leaves the socks all over the floor.  Start being super nice to him and I am sure those socks won’t be there for long.

And for goodness sake.. if the man brings you flowers (or a gift) for no reason, don’t suddenly start expecting them.  Instead, be super grateful and happy.   Guys don’t tend to say things with words.  They say it with actions.   That’s where you need to focus your attention on.  If he starts off giving yout he moon and stars and then “suddenly” stops, chances are it’s because someone or something else is giving him the attention you aren’t.   Maybe you’re lucky and he’s just looking at online movies and pictures… you know what I mean…  but maybe he’s going online for other things or he’s meeting someone else…  The point is, his focus is no longer on you the way it used to be when you used to pay attention to him.

Yeah OK, there are dogs out there, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not talking about THOSE guys.  Those can stay in the gutter where they belong.  I’m talking about that super nice guy you fell in love with and who would swim through pirahnas to get you a glass of water before and now he’s saying get your own water.

You see girls, we’re the ones with the power.  We can make or break guys.  How we treat them affects us.  We start treating them like jerks, they’ll treat us like we’re nobody.  I don’t know if that’s conscious or not, but I do know the more upset the guy is, the less likely he is to do stuff for you.  THe thing is, they won’t tell you.  Sometimes, they don’t know how.  They still, after you drag them through a dog pile, want to be nice to you.  And a lot of them go passive aggressive because they can’t verbalise what’s going on.  Again, they speak with actions.

My advice is to start paying attention from the start.  Learn what his “normal” is so when it goes to something else, you’ll notice.  And when you notice, start asking yourself, have I changed?  Would I want to come home to myself if I treated myself the way I’ve been treating him?  Did I stop being the fun girlfriend and turn into his mother, his nagging wife, his unpleasant partner?  If the answer is yes, refocus and repair.  If the answer is no, then find out what’s going on with him.  Maybe it has nothing to do with you.  Maybe he needs a little TLC.

Again, this isn’t advice on how to keep dogs.  Those guys will run around anyway, don’t waste your efforts unless all you want to do is have fun.  Believe me, us cougars love players.  We use them as they use us and we leave them.  Who cares.  We know better than to get attached to those things.  As far as I know, a player will always be a player.  Sure, some can be tamed down, but only when HE wants to be tamed.  Until then, he’ll just enjoy you and then spit you out.  Forget about it… those aren’t the boys you want to take home permanently.   You’ll only get a heartache and yes I know he’s a hot guy and probably has money or the appearance of having money, but trust me, save yourself the trouble.

Guy likes girl, girl likes guy, should be easy right? Right…

No…

See, some of us girls are a bit shy and some of us are self confidence sabotagers.  By that, I mean, we don’t think of ourselves as having confidence.  We like a guy and he likes us back, but then he goes quiet or he doesn’t have “time” for us or he’s busy, or whatever…  I can’t pretend to know what the heck goes on in a guy’s brain but I know it’s much simpler than ours.   For all we know, he’s just busy with his own thoughts.  Maybe he has to think about a project or work and it’s nto that he doesn’t “like” us anymore, it’s that his mind is occupied.  We really shouldn’t go to “well, I guess I was wrong.  He DOESN’T like us!”  or “damn, I messed that up!  I don’t know how, but dammit, I made him go away!”  (or worse, we come up with the stuff we did to muck it up before it even started)  but we do…  Ladies, you know we do!

They have little cartoons for this sort of thing and while funny, some of them are actually true.  I don’t know any girl who doesn’t think ten million things at the same time and vice versa, I know of NO GUY who thinks that way.  They tend to be less complicated and more linear minded, which makes me jealous because sometimes, those ten million things turn into awful messes before anything happens.  The dude may be saying OK I have x time before she comes home, I can do x thing… jacking off can mean do stuff she normally doesn’t like me to do.  Ie.  The cat is away, I can play now!  The girl, meanwhile, thinks he’s going to get kidnapped in that time frame and god forbid he doesn’t answer the text/phone.  Then she has him dead on the tracks after being beaten to a pulp or he’s hooking up with some hottie he just met at the market.  The last thing WE have on our mind is, oh hey, I got time to do stuff that I can’t do when he’s around.  Why?  Because most of the time we do that stuff whether you’re there or not.

So when your dude says “what’s wrong?” what he wants to know is, what’s troubling you.  What we hear is, “Please, tell me what’s going on in your head.” And we rattle off crap that may or may not have happened and stuff that’s going to happen, and stuff that happened when we weren’t thinking was going to happen but happened anyway… in other words, we tell guys way more than they wanted to know.  To another girl, that’s OK.  We don’t mind and we understand.  To a guy, its probably overwhelming.  Yes it’s true…we talk too much.  And then you wonder why the dude never asks us THAT question, again.   It’s not that he doesn’t care… it’s that you overwhelmed him so much the first time, he may not want to jump into that rat’s nest any time soon.  Basically, you just gave him “this” for information and now he has to figure out where the start, the end, or the middle or what the hell he got a maze for!

That’s not to say guys shouldn’t ask the question.  It just means, try to figure out what the heck we’re actually saying.  Maybe all we need is for you to listen.  Which, incidentally, is what ANY one wants.  Male or female, we all want to be heard.

The problem is, guys want to fix stuff or they only say stuff that needs an actual answer.  Ie.  Do you want to go to the store?  means, do you want to go to the store.  For a girl, we often hear, “do you want to go out in general?”  Ie. to the store, to the park, to the movies, to the etc etc. and most of the time we’re more than happy to go!   All he wanted to konw is if we needed to go to the store for groceries (or whatever the store is, for that one item it carries.)  He did NOT mean to say, did you want to go spend all afternoon looking at stuff.  This is where I get in trouble.  Once I’m out of the house, I want to go EVERYWHERE!  But my dude’s like no, I just want to go to the store.  So guess what…?  He doesn’t ask me to go to the store anymore.  Not unless he specifies we’re ONLY going to the store for blah item.  He adds that no, we’re not going anywhere else.  Booooooring!!!  But well, that’s how it goes…

So what are we to do?  Well… I guess we just ride the coaster until we figure things out.  And by that, I guess I mean that guys have to figure out what the heck we’re actually saying.  And they need to learn how to ask a question.  And we, ladies, need to learn how to answer said question and not get overwhelming.  Let’s start handing out simpler mazes or better yet, maps, so they know what the heck is going on.

So back to our original idea:  If a guy likes a girl, he should say so.  He shouldn’t wait around too long because chances are we will think we’ve screwed it up and we should lick our wounds and move on. So guys… if you like that girl, either make a move or say something because if you really like that girl, she needs to know it.  Maybe you could just say hey, I like you.  But don’t make it sound like oh I like you but I just want to friend zone you.  So make it special.  By that I mean, say I like you and I want to see you again or something like that… it depends on the girl.  Some of us need sledgehammers and some of us don’t.  But ALL of us need to know you like us or we’re going to come up with craziness in our head.  Guaranteed.

And for girls, maybe we should give ourselves a break.  If a guy can’t see how good we are, we shouldn’t chase after him, we should let him go on to other pastures.  Of course… it DOES help if we speak up.  Tell that dude, hey, I like you!  and leave it alone.  If he’s that ditzy, maybe you don’t want him… or maybe you do… ditzy guys are sometimes fun… once they get over the yeah right, she’s just being nice, thing.  I know a few guys who are cute but ditzes in the sense that a girl is THROWING herself at him and he’s like oh yeah, she’s being friendly.  Talk about face palm!  If you have that guy, then have patience.  Eventually it’ll work…   But you DO have to get some clues before you spend (waste?) your time on that guy.  If he’s clearly blowing you off, move on to another pasture.  If he’s just unsure, keep talking and being friendly.  But for goodness sake, don’t become that “desperate” girl!  That will get you friend zoned or in trouble.  Ie. he’s gonna take you to bed and then leave you alone.  No bueno…

Alright, I’ll get off my soap box now.  Let me know what you think.  Do I just know too many girls with too many thigns in their brain or am I wrong and guys are this way too, they just don’t tell us?