Life sure is funny… Child Support intricacies.

Yup, life is definitely funny… Today I had to work on a case about a man who ran off to El Salvador instead of paying child support. It’s a bit ironic since I was just talking to my brother about my donor who kinda did the same thing. Of course, he was told that no, the donor paid child support and never skipped out.  I’m sure my brother got the lines fed to him and as a child, how would he know any better?  Who wants to think of their dad as a deadbeat?  I get it because it’s not a good word but how else do you describe someone who ran off and never looked back?  As a grown up, how can you see facts and still deny them?

My brother said, of course dad (his dad, not mine) paid, otherwise he’d be in jail!  Clearly that never happened  so he must have paid, right?!  Well no.  The man ran off to another country.  We have no jurisdiction there for one and for two while some deadbeats DO go to jail, the majority get away with murder, in a sense.  Why?  Because we rather give them the chance than throw them in jail where they have no chance.  But don’t run our patience to the ground.  There ARE those that go to jail.  The donor was lucky he didn’t get arrested on the spot when he came back into the country.  He’s very lucky that a lot of things that should have happened, didn’t.  But if he were a man he’d step up and say yeah, I screwed up but I’m here to own up to my responsibilities.  Here’s copies of the payments I made.

I have deadbeats who turned human in my office.  People who stopped running and owned up to their mistakes.  Some just want to start over and I love helping those people.  See, to me, you’re not a deadbeat if you’re trying.  But if you don’t even try, what am I supposed to do with you?  If you’re constantly running, what am I supposed to do with that?

Now see, back to the money issue.  The donor claims he has paid child support for all those years.  I don’t know how many but it probably wasn’t for 10+ years.  I know of two month’s worth, nothing more.  The sad thing is, it was only $50 a month for TWO children.  See, he was hiding back then too.  He had income but he told the judge he had none so he got set at a very low amount.  That much is also on record, that he told the judge he had no income but considering he was the only one working and couldn’t get on social services, he HAD income because they weren’t homeless.  He had an Audi which isn’t a cheap car, gas for said car, an apartment and presumably food on the table for him, his wife, and my brother.  How can a man afford such things without an income?  I guess it’s magic.

 
Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money so I doubt that $50 ever came in but who knows, maybe it did but somehow it magically came from El Salvador too I guess because he ran off and remained for many years.  No contact, no hey are you OK? Nothing.   But of course, he says that was my other donor’s doing. She didn’t let him see us.  Right… except when we turned 18 what was your excuse then?  See, the man has a lot of excuses and very poor action so forgive me if I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt too often.  I tried.  For MANY years I tried and all I got were a bunch of excuses with nothing to back things up.
 
Now the donor’s back in the country and well, I’m sure his debt is quite high but of course he can’t “pay” now he’s old and decrepit and blah blah blah. I hear the stories every day. It’s fine. Karma or God or whoever will take care of that guy, same as the other guy who ran off to El Salvador.  I seriously doubt he will step up to the plate now.  I seriously doubt he even cares to make things right.  He’s too caught up in people feeling sorry for him that he can just skirt by and people forgive him because he’s sick or feeble or whatever.  My life was harsh, very harsh, growing up so I have no sympathy for him.  I don’t swallow his lies nor do I care that he’s supposedly sick.  He’s not sick enough to travel all over, is he?  He wasn’t sick enough to work in El Salvador was he?  But to pay child support?  No, no, much too sick for that.  Yeah OK, sure.
 
Super long story short? A man who skips out on responsibility is NOT a man and never a father. Doesn’t matter if he was a “good” father to the other children. When your first born children become third class citizens, you’re not a father. You’re a SAD excuse for a man.  I cannot and will not respect that. I have enough BS at work to even start with that.
But it’s ironic, like I said, that I work where I work and in the department that I work. I didn’t pick it. Life just sent me that way for a reason. Perhaps to dig up the truth or to find out that not all guys are bad. To see both sides of a very convoluted and often sad sides of the coin where children are the ones who suffer because people just can’t get along.  I can understand hating your ex or at least strongly disliking them but don’t let the children pay the price because you chose the wrong person!  And that’s often what happens.  Children are the ones who pay the price for the stupid decisions so called grown ups make.
But all isn’t lost.  I do see the good ones and the ones who are trying. They collect cans and do whatever jobs to pay their support, however little they can for THEIR children. They get up when they’re tired, keep going even though they can’t or shouldn’t, they do whatever they can. THOSE are the real men.  THOSE are the fathers. But the fools who can’t even pay a dollar a month for their kids?  Those are not even human.  How can  they eat something and not pay ONE DOLLAR to their kids?  Ridiculous!!  Oh yes, I have a bunch out there who’s support order is that little.  Some are low enough that you can’t even buy a fast food meal with what they’re supposed to pay a month.  But do they?  Nope.
There are some support orders which are crazy, in my opinion, but I don’t make the rules, judges and courts do.  I just have to follow what they say.  So if there’s a support order out there and it needs to change, I know it’s a hassle to do the court stuff, but help yourselves and get help if you need it.  If your job is taking half your check and you’re still not paying the full support order, something is not right, you need help.  If your employer is taking more than half, something’s really wrong!  Call your agency to get that sorted.
Now I know I’ve been talking about men but I want to note that it isn’t just men who are deadbeats.  I have women deadbeats too.  Women who dump their kids on aging grandmothers and grandfathers.  Women who get knocked up and add to the burden.  Women who went to get something from somewhere and never came back.  As a mother I can’t even comprehend the level of, whatever it is, that’s going on.  You had LIFE inside you.  You felt the kicks and wiggles. But you just walked away?  I know parenting is hard.  I was a single parent myself but to just walk away?  Makes no sense!
What makes even WORSE sense is the women who’s men are TRYING desperately to connect with their children and the women say no you can’t because you don’t pay (enough) support, because you didn’t buy the right shoes, because you didn’t let the child eat (insert item.)  So many children out there are struggling and these women have the golden tickets but they say no.  It’s crazy!  Again, I say, it’s the children who pay the price.

Now I’m sure my donor will say that my other donor did this to him.  But since the dude ran off to El Salvador and never looked back, well, that story just doesn’t fly, does it?  Plus he had time to call me when my child was born, why didn’t he connect then?  Instead he got himself back on the pity bus and ran off again.   I tried to give him sooo many opportunities and well, my patience ran thin and now it’s gone.   I don’t need anyone like that in my life.  You go be the happy sack of whatever it is you are and leave me alone.  I know enough now to kind of figure out who’s a deadbeat and who isn’t.
And that was a hard lesson to learn too.  You hear the word deadbeat and these poor guys, they get called that, even the ones that are trying and there’s such stigma!  My job is to help those that are trying to figure something out.  And I do help.  I help those that reach out to me and ask for it.  I sometimes call and they sound so ashamed but are hopeless.  Some are so high in arrears that it makes my head spin and some feel they can never get out. But there is always hope and there are ways to help.
Although some probably think they can’t because they keep making bad decisions with a lot of women.  Same with the women who keep getting pregnant then dumping their kids or keep struggling with their kids, keep getting pregnant, and have several different fathers, sometimes as much as one kid, one father, 6 kids, 6 fathers, well you get the idea.  I would think these people would learn and stop but well, that’s another blog post.  Who knows what’s going on there.  Men and women both make bad decisions in my world.
I think it’s always a good idea to ask and get the facts.  Don’t run away, that just make things worse.  Don’t throw out your court papers or summons, that usually ends in disaster.  And for goodness sakes, think of the children you helped come to this crazy world.  Don’t make it worse for them because you and/or your ex are being idiots.  If you messed up before that’s OK, it happens, but don’t keep running away from your responsibilities.   One day, one of your kids might write a blog piece like this.  What would like them to say about you?  Wouldn’t it be better if they wrote, hey, at least they tried vs. nope, they were deadbeats through and through.  My donor doesn’t seem to care.  Don’t be one of those people.  Be human and be a grown up.  The truth is, I rather have had the time with the donor than the money.  But I got a raw deal and so do other children out there.  We are the voices that no one’s heard before.  I hope I have given them a voice now.
I’ll leave you with one last piece, one last story, if you will.  I had a guy call me and saying he’s not a deadbeat but he thought our office thought of him that way because he couldn’t pay his full support.  He took his child half of the week, every week, sometimes all week.  I said to him, sir, you’re not a deadbeat.  The fact that you take your child and that on top of that you try what you can to pay the support means you’re not a deadbeat.  Let’s see what we can do to help with the support amount.  I sent his case to be reviewed.  His original court order said he did no visitation and clearly that wasn’t the case now.  So you see?  People do change.  A man can go from deadbeat to human.  It happens in our office and it happens everywhere.  Men and women stand up for their kids.  Be that guy or that girl.  Make this nation of ours great by contributing to the upbringing of your kids.  Those are the stories that keep me going.  Those are the stories that make me think that the deadbeats can go human.  Even my donor, if he tried.  I think that ship is sailed but well, a girl can always have hope, right?  One day after 40 years a deadbeat can go human.   Hey, stranger things have happened, right?  You just never know.  And maybe someone out there will read this and turn human too.  I can always hope, for the sake of the children, that it happens. I always keep that in mind.  It’s about the children.  Let me be their voice and help these grown ups come to an agreement so the children can be better off.  I can’t do custody fights, that’s for the free family law facilitators, which I can send/give you information for but I can help when someone’s trying and struggling.  Those are the ones that make my job easier and most prideful.  I give my hats and my cheers to those people.  They surely deserve it!
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A word challenge from my writer’s group!

New CHALLENGE. Write a love poem or letter, by someone who is not human, to someone else (any species). Some things to consider might be how this species woos possible mates (any differently than humans?), a method of delivery, and how well the recipient likes it.

Anything from a dirty little note to a sweet melodic piece. Go ahead.

So here’s what I wrote:

Dear Gabe,

I saw you staring several times now and rumours have been flying for months now.  I know you find me completely fabulous and you certainly wouldn’t be wrong, but darling, I have many things to consider.  If you’re to be my trophy buddy, I can’t have you looking anything less than debonair!

You have great bone structure, not as awesome as mine, mind you, but definitely something to work with and I could enhance your appeal.  Of course, having me by your side will boost your appearance, but I can’t do everything, honey.  Regardless, I know what you’re looking for and I graciously accept your invitation.  However do keep in mind, my attention will wane as you know I’m not a one-man attraction.  I can’t very well deprive everyone from me now could I?  That wouldn’t be fair but I hope you realise your importance when I say you’ll definitely be in my top 5.  That isn’t a very easy spot to be in, you know?  Lots of people vie for that spot!

So what do you say?  Do you want to rise up in the dating pool or would you rather keep dating the frogs you call exes after a few rounds?

Fondly,

Alistair Silverleaf

And the Gabe character would be saying this:

Alistair, you arrogant but gorgeous fool!  What makes you think I’d want to be in your top five?!  Darling, I belong in the top 2!  Yes the rumours are true, I have been pining for you but don’t think for a moment that your beautiful face and dazzling smile will get you anywhere other than my bedroom.  I say we go a few rounds first and then decide what to do with the rest.  Even if you end up a frog, we could have so much fun together!  I don’t care if you decide to bed the whole kingdom, as you call it, as long as you end up in my bed tonight.  I have already thought of a few ideas which I think you would like.  It involves mirrors, I’m sure you love watching yourself in action as much as I like watching you out of it.  Now how about you take that pretty little butt of yours and bring it on over!

Kisses,

Gabe Entleman

Of course, Alistair would be super offended at being called a frog or told what to do, and he surely will make Gabe pay for his mistake but in a fun way.  They do, as Gabe suggested, go a few rounds.  Don’t worry, I won’t spoil those surprises here.  You have to read the story to find out how it all plays out and if Alistair ends up being a frog or if Gabe finally catches the ever bachelor Alistair.  You never know, stranger things have happened…  I’ve heard Half Elves go human even.  But not in this case, Alistair thinks too much of himself to ever go human.  If anything it’d be Gabe who’d have to change… After all, no mere human has ever been able to remotely even think they could possibly deny the request of the ever so alluring High Elf named Alistair.  Do you think a High Elf and a human mix well or would it be a  huge disaster after a while?

Guy likes girl, girl likes guy, should be easy right? Right…

No…

See, some of us girls are a bit shy and some of us are self confidence sabotagers.  By that, I mean, we don’t think of ourselves as having confidence.  We like a guy and he likes us back, but then he goes quiet or he doesn’t have “time” for us or he’s busy, or whatever…  I can’t pretend to know what the heck goes on in a guy’s brain but I know it’s much simpler than ours.   For all we know, he’s just busy with his own thoughts.  Maybe he has to think about a project or work and it’s nto that he doesn’t “like” us anymore, it’s that his mind is occupied.  We really shouldn’t go to “well, I guess I was wrong.  He DOESN’T like us!”  or “damn, I messed that up!  I don’t know how, but dammit, I made him go away!”  (or worse, we come up with the stuff we did to muck it up before it even started)  but we do…  Ladies, you know we do!

They have little cartoons for this sort of thing and while funny, some of them are actually true.  I don’t know any girl who doesn’t think ten million things at the same time and vice versa, I know of NO GUY who thinks that way.  They tend to be less complicated and more linear minded, which makes me jealous because sometimes, those ten million things turn into awful messes before anything happens.  The dude may be saying OK I have x time before she comes home, I can do x thing… jacking off can mean do stuff she normally doesn’t like me to do.  Ie.  The cat is away, I can play now!  The girl, meanwhile, thinks he’s going to get kidnapped in that time frame and god forbid he doesn’t answer the text/phone.  Then she has him dead on the tracks after being beaten to a pulp or he’s hooking up with some hottie he just met at the market.  The last thing WE have on our mind is, oh hey, I got time to do stuff that I can’t do when he’s around.  Why?  Because most of the time we do that stuff whether you’re there or not.

So when your dude says “what’s wrong?” what he wants to know is, what’s troubling you.  What we hear is, “Please, tell me what’s going on in your head.” And we rattle off crap that may or may not have happened and stuff that’s going to happen, and stuff that happened when we weren’t thinking was going to happen but happened anyway… in other words, we tell guys way more than they wanted to know.  To another girl, that’s OK.  We don’t mind and we understand.  To a guy, its probably overwhelming.  Yes it’s true…we talk too much.  And then you wonder why the dude never asks us THAT question, again.   It’s not that he doesn’t care… it’s that you overwhelmed him so much the first time, he may not want to jump into that rat’s nest any time soon.  Basically, you just gave him “this” for information and now he has to figure out where the start, the end, or the middle or what the hell he got a maze for!

That’s not to say guys shouldn’t ask the question.  It just means, try to figure out what the heck we’re actually saying.  Maybe all we need is for you to listen.  Which, incidentally, is what ANY one wants.  Male or female, we all want to be heard.

The problem is, guys want to fix stuff or they only say stuff that needs an actual answer.  Ie.  Do you want to go to the store?  means, do you want to go to the store.  For a girl, we often hear, “do you want to go out in general?”  Ie. to the store, to the park, to the movies, to the etc etc. and most of the time we’re more than happy to go!   All he wanted to konw is if we needed to go to the store for groceries (or whatever the store is, for that one item it carries.)  He did NOT mean to say, did you want to go spend all afternoon looking at stuff.  This is where I get in trouble.  Once I’m out of the house, I want to go EVERYWHERE!  But my dude’s like no, I just want to go to the store.  So guess what…?  He doesn’t ask me to go to the store anymore.  Not unless he specifies we’re ONLY going to the store for blah item.  He adds that no, we’re not going anywhere else.  Booooooring!!!  But well, that’s how it goes…

So what are we to do?  Well… I guess we just ride the coaster until we figure things out.  And by that, I guess I mean that guys have to figure out what the heck we’re actually saying.  And they need to learn how to ask a question.  And we, ladies, need to learn how to answer said question and not get overwhelming.  Let’s start handing out simpler mazes or better yet, maps, so they know what the heck is going on.

So back to our original idea:  If a guy likes a girl, he should say so.  He shouldn’t wait around too long because chances are we will think we’ve screwed it up and we should lick our wounds and move on. So guys… if you like that girl, either make a move or say something because if you really like that girl, she needs to know it.  Maybe you could just say hey, I like you.  But don’t make it sound like oh I like you but I just want to friend zone you.  So make it special.  By that I mean, say I like you and I want to see you again or something like that… it depends on the girl.  Some of us need sledgehammers and some of us don’t.  But ALL of us need to know you like us or we’re going to come up with craziness in our head.  Guaranteed.

And for girls, maybe we should give ourselves a break.  If a guy can’t see how good we are, we shouldn’t chase after him, we should let him go on to other pastures.  Of course… it DOES help if we speak up.  Tell that dude, hey, I like you!  and leave it alone.  If he’s that ditzy, maybe you don’t want him… or maybe you do… ditzy guys are sometimes fun… once they get over the yeah right, she’s just being nice, thing.  I know a few guys who are cute but ditzes in the sense that a girl is THROWING herself at him and he’s like oh yeah, she’s being friendly.  Talk about face palm!  If you have that guy, then have patience.  Eventually it’ll work…   But you DO have to get some clues before you spend (waste?) your time on that guy.  If he’s clearly blowing you off, move on to another pasture.  If he’s just unsure, keep talking and being friendly.  But for goodness sake, don’t become that “desperate” girl!  That will get you friend zoned or in trouble.  Ie. he’s gonna take you to bed and then leave you alone.  No bueno…

Alright, I’ll get off my soap box now.  Let me know what you think.  Do I just know too many girls with too many thigns in their brain or am I wrong and guys are this way too, they just don’t tell us?

Brooding, Mysterious, Sexy as hell male? Hmmm… That depends…

We’ve all see the TV shows and movies.  That mysterious sex god likes to brood.  He’s sexy as hell and girls can’t get enough of it.  He kind of looks, more or less, like this:

And well all eat it up like candy.  Both men and women just want to lick the dude top to bottom and all over.  We drool and we ache and we wonder… where IS this sexy male?  And why can’t we see one?!  Well… actually…we DO see them… all the time.

Most of the time we call those guys the anti social creepazoids in the corner and we’re GLAD they don’t want to talk to us.  They aren’t sexy, they’re just weirdos.  Am I right?   What am I talking about?!  Oh come on… you know I’m right!

It’s the dude in the corner that looks like this:And he doesn’t even have to be naked… you can just imagine he’s all hair and flab… or maybe he’s thin but his face is not that attractive or he’s the dude that always looks “pissed off” because he just looks weird/off somehow.   But the truth is, he’s probably a really nice guy but he’s one of the shyest guys you’ll ever meet.  So he’s off in the corner brooding, just like Mr. Sexy in the first photo, but because he doesn’t have that “smoldering stare off into space” we think he’s just some creepy guy or at best, a stuck up or stand offish one.   So what’s going on?

We’re shallow creatures.  Oh sure, we can SAY we’re not but the first thing we see is how a person looks.  You can swear to me up and down you don’t do this but you do.  That’s how we can tell if someone’s “good” or not so good.  If someone’s “trustworthy” or not.
This is why cute guys (and girls) get away with so much more crap that those who aren’t as esthetically endowed.  

The more symmetry a person has, the more appealing they look to us.  There has been studies on that and let’s be honest, it’s true.  Our eyes like symmetry.  Now there’s always that second level… I don’t care HOW hot a guy (or girl) is, if he’s an ass, he won’t be tolerated for long unless the other person has serious low self esteem or just likes being treated like crap.

But think about it… Mr. Player is NEVER an ugly guy and Ms gets around isn’t ugly either.  I’m not talking promiscuity necessarily.  I’m talking about who gets ogled the most and who can get away with more, should they know they are hot.  A lot of times you find those that are hot but don’t know it.  People might say you’re so pretty (or handsome!) Or you have gorgeous eyes (hair, smile, etc. etc.) but they think you’re just “being nice” to them.  Those are quite the gems aren’t they?

I mean seriously… would you kick this guy out of your bed?  I wouldn’t!  (If I were completely single I mean)

So next time you see that brooding “creepy” guy in the corner, ask yourself… is he really creepy or is it that he’s just not that attractive?  At my work we have two mysterious “brooding” guys.  One is very good looking and one wasn’t dealt the hot gene.  He’s not an ugly guy, but he’s not the most attractive person I’ve ever met.  He’s very sweet, but quite, keeps to himself a lot and comes off as anti social and sometimes he looks “angry” for no reason.  But he’s not that person at all.  And Mr. Hot guy?  Well he’s a nice guy too but it’s easier to say that when your eyes are full of glee.  Does he know he’s hot?  I’m not sure… but that isn’t the point.

The point is, I “fell in love” with the personality of Mr. hot guy a lot faster than with Mr. Average.  And that’s why I wrote this piece.  To remind you (and myself) that if you judge a book by it’s cover, you might end up losing a great story!  So let’s not do that.  Give everyone a chance.  You might make a nice friend or have a super sweet boyfriend (girlfriend) or even more!  Let’s get to the meat of that book before we decide whether or not we like it.   Until next time… I’m going to go find more “books” to read. 🙂