Popular Meme girl has the right face for this job
So I went to this place because someone in Facebook said it was a good place to go for a massage. Maybe that was my first clue? I don’t know.
I wanted to have a spa weekend with my husband so we tried the couples massage. That one is by appointment only, or so the guy on the phone told me. The guy on the phone spoke decent English and gave no hint that he was the only one. But I am getting ahead of my self…
When we arrived, on time, we told the guy this was our first massage. I guess he thought we meant our first massage here, at this location, but the truth is, it was our first massage, EVER. He called our Masseusses Ann (?) and David first in English then in Chinese. I thought that was odd but whatever, I thought maybe that was for other staff. I was wrong.
The masseuses arrived shortly but said nothing, just motioned us to follow them, so we were lead back to the equivalent of a light dark room. By this I mean it was like horror movie almost dark hallway with lots of doors. I don’t know if that’s ambiance or what but I was like er, OK… that’s a bit odd and well, having worked in the animal industry, they kinda looked like horse stalls with doors. So far, we’re OK though.
We were led to a room, they still haven’t said anything. We get in the room and they start prepping the tables. We said this was our first massage and they didn’t say anything just continued to do the tables. Then once they were done, we AGAIN said this was our first massage and we didn’t know what to do. They didn’t say anything and left the room. I thought, OK, maybe this is just the prepping staff.
My husband and I stood there, bewildered, not knowing what to do for a few minutes. Do I sit on the bed or do I sit in the stools? I opted for sitting on the bed, he stood by me. A few minutes later they knocked on the door like they do at the doctor’s office after leaving you in the room for a few moments. We answered and they looked at us like we were strange, for the third time we said this was our first massage and we didn’t know what to do. After giving us that durr look, like people do when they want to be polite but have no idea what you said, the girl said something that sounded like off clothes. That was the last we really heard from this mouse. She spoke again to us twice more, very softly and very broken, hence I can’t remember her name but I think it was Ann.
So after that we were like: Oh, we were supposed to get naked? But how naked? Like all the way? Underwear? I have no idea. We opted for all naked and then went under the covers because I don’t know about you, but having strangers see us naked wasn’t on the agenda today. Where else could we go? We didn’t even get robes like they do at the doctor’s office.
After a few more minutes they came in and didn’t say anything. I got David and he got Ann. I thought, for some odd reason, that I’d get the girl and he’d get the guy, seeing how that is how it goes in doctor’s office. I didn’t realise guys get weirded out getting touched by other guys or maybe it was like in the porno scenes (as my husband pointed out) that it’s always the opposite sex to give you a massage.
I was like er, OK… so I get some dude I never met… yeah, no… I’m already feeling a bit weirded out but I’m under the blanket and he makes sure I’m well covered from neck to toes. We were on our stomachs. He starts the massage, I believe Ann has already started hers as I hear motions. David starts out very slow. I don’t realise how slow until I hear squirting noises about five minutes? Maybe ten, before I get the squirt of almost cold oil on my back.
The whole time I’m trying to relax but just can’t. David, once in a while asks if I’m OK. I must be flinching or something. I’m not comfortable but I can’t really speak Chinese, which I now realise is the only thing these two speak. Why? Because they speak in a hushed tone but still Chinese with a slight giggle here and there. The music is in the background. I would have liked babbling brook or bamboo music but instead I get, I have no idea, Chinese music? Could I have changed it? Probably not, they barely speak anything. If they can’t understand “We’re new, we don’t know what to do.” how are they going to understand “Your music is annoying.” with any capability?
The massage itself, is OK, not too hard, not too soft but I cannot relax into it. I just can’t and the oil weirds me out. It’s slimy and I don’t really like it. The hot as hell towel to remove said oil, doesn’t help. I did manage to say ow, hot! And he took it off waved it some more before replacing. He said thank you. OK…? for burning me? I have no idea. At least he spoke a little. Not that I wanted a full on conversation but don’t I get to know who the hell’s touching my slimy and then kinda burning body? He does my legs and a little of my feet, he goes to my neck and my head/scalp. That at least feels nice. He gives me karate chops to my back, something I heard the girl do way earlier.
I hear the mouse say something that sounds like ohar… My husband says, what? And she says something like turn over. I hear shuffling but David is still on my legs at this point. By the time he says turn over, I realise I’m way behind. He does some weird head massage when I turn over. He pushes my ears in, rubs my ear lobes and my temples. The girl is on my husband’s arms then gives him some leg karate chops. Next thing you know, David goes to my legs, gives them some karate chops ten says OK, done. And they both leave the room FAST. Kinda like when you’re off work, you’re like GTFO. Yeah, like that.
I was like wtf, you didn’t even get to my forearms which is what I REALLY needed since I have tendinitis. But I couldn’t tell you that, could I? I don’t remember enough Mandarin to tell you that. After a few minutes, they comeback with these black tab thing slike they give in restaurants and two styrofoam cups of water. In the back of the tab things, there are Chinese characters and words in English. On top it says point to what you’d like. “I want more” “Soft” “Harder.” Arms, legs, etc. Basically a way to communicate with the Masseuses. Wouldn’t that have been NICE to get BEFORE the massage?! Or even during, but no, it was given after they pretty much said eff off, we’re done. The mice then lead us to the front. They still haven’t said anything and it’s bright as hell out there! I can’t see a friggin thing. I forgot we were in a horror movie set and how have to come back to the real world.
I get the bill and pay, the dude gives us a, what about tip thing? He asks if we have cash for the tip. I said No, I don’t have cash. He says that’s OK you can put it on your visa tab. I’m like er… OK… I didn’t even know we had to tip Masseuses… so I give a tiny amount because, shoot, we weren’t treated all that great, IMO. He pushes for a bigger tip saying “That’s it? for both?!” I say well yeah and he goes, “I don’t want to tell you exactly what people tip, but oh I don’t know ten, fifteen, twenty percent.” You can tell he was seriously uncomfortable with the tip amount. So I gave him ten percent. But honestly, they didn’t deserve it.
If I wanted to go to a massage place where they don’t speak English I’d go to China town in San Fran. At least there they have the signs out in the front or you just can’t talk to them. It’s EXPECTED there. But I’m in Vacaville, CA, hickville in some sense… how are these people in business?! And the yelp reviews? Are they bought? Or maybe it’s our fault for being newbies. I’m not going back to this place.
I’m not even sure I’m going back to a massage, ever. I don’t feel like getting slimy with another strange man. My husband ended up in pain. He said she hurt this back but couldn’t really say anything, one because they wouldn’t have understood anyway and two, because he didn’t know if he was supposed to say something or just let it go, like when you have bad knots in your back, it hurts then it doesn’t. Nope, it hurt and stayed that way for him.
For me, I was just weirded out. There was no Zen moment, no butter, no nothing, just ew ew ew…. and I feel a bit violated? No, abused? No… coerced… yeah, maybe that’s the word, coerced because of the tip thing. It should be MY right to give a tip. I wanted to be polite. Had I been like hubs, I would have told him no tip and eff off…(not in those exact words but he’s very firm) but I’m not like him though I’m learning. I don’t think they deserved a tip. He made me feel like a horrible person for first not tipping and even worse for tipping what I did. Not the best way to leave.
So I’m definitely not going back and now I’m telling the world. This isn’t the place to go unless you speak Chinese. Or you’re like a master massage receiver and bring your own Chinese characters, I guess? I don’t know. But for me, I’m looking for another place. Maybe I’ll try this massage thing again but make sure they actually speak, oh I don’t know, ENGLISH? Am I being racist? I hope not. All I’m saying is, if you give me a way to communicate I can forgive your lack of English but when you leave me mute and THEN insult me by giving me the way to communicate once you’re done? Yeah, that’s a slap in the face I won’t forget.
So our spa weekend was ruined but well, lesson learned. Next time I call a place I’m going to ask if they speak English. If they don’t, I’m moving on. I really did try to like it but I just couldn’t. And when is it a cardinal rule that a dude massages a girl? Is that normal? shudder I just don’t like it. They might be stronger and maybe that’s better but I don’t want a stranger’s junk that close to my face. I just don’t like it. I’m not a prude… I mean if the dude was hot, maybe… but let’s get serious, this isn’t gay porn…this is real life. Hot masseuses don’t exist. At least not the kind that ONLY give you a massage and for the moment, that’s all I want.
Y’all know a place? Let me know in the comments. And if you disagree with me, let me know that too. I welcome the feedback.