Life sure is funny… Child Support intricacies.

Yup, life is definitely funny… Today I had to work on a case about a man who ran off to El Salvador instead of paying child support. It’s a bit ironic since I was just talking to my brother about my donor who kinda did the same thing. Of course, he was told that no, the donor paid child support and never skipped out.  I’m sure my brother got the lines fed to him and as a child, how would he know any better?  Who wants to think of their dad as a deadbeat?  I get it because it’s not a good word but how else do you describe someone who ran off and never looked back?  As a grown up, how can you see facts and still deny them?

My brother said, of course dad (his dad, not mine) paid, otherwise he’d be in jail!  Clearly that never happened  so he must have paid, right?!  Well no.  The man ran off to another country.  We have no jurisdiction there for one and for two while some deadbeats DO go to jail, the majority get away with murder, in a sense.  Why?  Because we rather give them the chance than throw them in jail where they have no chance.  But don’t run our patience to the ground.  There ARE those that go to jail.  The donor was lucky he didn’t get arrested on the spot when he came back into the country.  He’s very lucky that a lot of things that should have happened, didn’t.  But if he were a man he’d step up and say yeah, I screwed up but I’m here to own up to my responsibilities.  Here’s copies of the payments I made.

I have deadbeats who turned human in my office.  People who stopped running and owned up to their mistakes.  Some just want to start over and I love helping those people.  See, to me, you’re not a deadbeat if you’re trying.  But if you don’t even try, what am I supposed to do with you?  If you’re constantly running, what am I supposed to do with that?

Now see, back to the money issue.  The donor claims he has paid child support for all those years.  I don’t know how many but it probably wasn’t for 10+ years.  I know of two month’s worth, nothing more.  The sad thing is, it was only $50 a month for TWO children.  See, he was hiding back then too.  He had income but he told the judge he had none so he got set at a very low amount.  That much is also on record, that he told the judge he had no income but considering he was the only one working and couldn’t get on social services, he HAD income because they weren’t homeless.  He had an Audi which isn’t a cheap car, gas for said car, an apartment and presumably food on the table for him, his wife, and my brother.  How can a man afford such things without an income?  I guess it’s magic.

 
Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money so I doubt that $50 ever came in but who knows, maybe it did but somehow it magically came from El Salvador too I guess because he ran off and remained for many years.  No contact, no hey are you OK? Nothing.   But of course, he says that was my other donor’s doing. She didn’t let him see us.  Right… except when we turned 18 what was your excuse then?  See, the man has a lot of excuses and very poor action so forgive me if I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt too often.  I tried.  For MANY years I tried and all I got were a bunch of excuses with nothing to back things up.
 
Now the donor’s back in the country and well, I’m sure his debt is quite high but of course he can’t “pay” now he’s old and decrepit and blah blah blah. I hear the stories every day. It’s fine. Karma or God or whoever will take care of that guy, same as the other guy who ran off to El Salvador.  I seriously doubt he will step up to the plate now.  I seriously doubt he even cares to make things right.  He’s too caught up in people feeling sorry for him that he can just skirt by and people forgive him because he’s sick or feeble or whatever.  My life was harsh, very harsh, growing up so I have no sympathy for him.  I don’t swallow his lies nor do I care that he’s supposedly sick.  He’s not sick enough to travel all over, is he?  He wasn’t sick enough to work in El Salvador was he?  But to pay child support?  No, no, much too sick for that.  Yeah OK, sure.
 
Super long story short? A man who skips out on responsibility is NOT a man and never a father. Doesn’t matter if he was a “good” father to the other children. When your first born children become third class citizens, you’re not a father. You’re a SAD excuse for a man.  I cannot and will not respect that. I have enough BS at work to even start with that.
But it’s ironic, like I said, that I work where I work and in the department that I work. I didn’t pick it. Life just sent me that way for a reason. Perhaps to dig up the truth or to find out that not all guys are bad. To see both sides of a very convoluted and often sad sides of the coin where children are the ones who suffer because people just can’t get along.  I can understand hating your ex or at least strongly disliking them but don’t let the children pay the price because you chose the wrong person!  And that’s often what happens.  Children are the ones who pay the price for the stupid decisions so called grown ups make.
But all isn’t lost.  I do see the good ones and the ones who are trying. They collect cans and do whatever jobs to pay their support, however little they can for THEIR children. They get up when they’re tired, keep going even though they can’t or shouldn’t, they do whatever they can. THOSE are the real men.  THOSE are the fathers. But the fools who can’t even pay a dollar a month for their kids?  Those are not even human.  How can  they eat something and not pay ONE DOLLAR to their kids?  Ridiculous!!  Oh yes, I have a bunch out there who’s support order is that little.  Some are low enough that you can’t even buy a fast food meal with what they’re supposed to pay a month.  But do they?  Nope.
There are some support orders which are crazy, in my opinion, but I don’t make the rules, judges and courts do.  I just have to follow what they say.  So if there’s a support order out there and it needs to change, I know it’s a hassle to do the court stuff, but help yourselves and get help if you need it.  If your job is taking half your check and you’re still not paying the full support order, something is not right, you need help.  If your employer is taking more than half, something’s really wrong!  Call your agency to get that sorted.
Now I know I’ve been talking about men but I want to note that it isn’t just men who are deadbeats.  I have women deadbeats too.  Women who dump their kids on aging grandmothers and grandfathers.  Women who get knocked up and add to the burden.  Women who went to get something from somewhere and never came back.  As a mother I can’t even comprehend the level of, whatever it is, that’s going on.  You had LIFE inside you.  You felt the kicks and wiggles. But you just walked away?  I know parenting is hard.  I was a single parent myself but to just walk away?  Makes no sense!
What makes even WORSE sense is the women who’s men are TRYING desperately to connect with their children and the women say no you can’t because you don’t pay (enough) support, because you didn’t buy the right shoes, because you didn’t let the child eat (insert item.)  So many children out there are struggling and these women have the golden tickets but they say no.  It’s crazy!  Again, I say, it’s the children who pay the price.

Now I’m sure my donor will say that my other donor did this to him.  But since the dude ran off to El Salvador and never looked back, well, that story just doesn’t fly, does it?  Plus he had time to call me when my child was born, why didn’t he connect then?  Instead he got himself back on the pity bus and ran off again.   I tried to give him sooo many opportunities and well, my patience ran thin and now it’s gone.   I don’t need anyone like that in my life.  You go be the happy sack of whatever it is you are and leave me alone.  I know enough now to kind of figure out who’s a deadbeat and who isn’t.
And that was a hard lesson to learn too.  You hear the word deadbeat and these poor guys, they get called that, even the ones that are trying and there’s such stigma!  My job is to help those that are trying to figure something out.  And I do help.  I help those that reach out to me and ask for it.  I sometimes call and they sound so ashamed but are hopeless.  Some are so high in arrears that it makes my head spin and some feel they can never get out. But there is always hope and there are ways to help.
Although some probably think they can’t because they keep making bad decisions with a lot of women.  Same with the women who keep getting pregnant then dumping their kids or keep struggling with their kids, keep getting pregnant, and have several different fathers, sometimes as much as one kid, one father, 6 kids, 6 fathers, well you get the idea.  I would think these people would learn and stop but well, that’s another blog post.  Who knows what’s going on there.  Men and women both make bad decisions in my world.
I think it’s always a good idea to ask and get the facts.  Don’t run away, that just make things worse.  Don’t throw out your court papers or summons, that usually ends in disaster.  And for goodness sakes, think of the children you helped come to this crazy world.  Don’t make it worse for them because you and/or your ex are being idiots.  If you messed up before that’s OK, it happens, but don’t keep running away from your responsibilities.   One day, one of your kids might write a blog piece like this.  What would like them to say about you?  Wouldn’t it be better if they wrote, hey, at least they tried vs. nope, they were deadbeats through and through.  My donor doesn’t seem to care.  Don’t be one of those people.  Be human and be a grown up.  The truth is, I rather have had the time with the donor than the money.  But I got a raw deal and so do other children out there.  We are the voices that no one’s heard before.  I hope I have given them a voice now.
I’ll leave you with one last piece, one last story, if you will.  I had a guy call me and saying he’s not a deadbeat but he thought our office thought of him that way because he couldn’t pay his full support.  He took his child half of the week, every week, sometimes all week.  I said to him, sir, you’re not a deadbeat.  The fact that you take your child and that on top of that you try what you can to pay the support means you’re not a deadbeat.  Let’s see what we can do to help with the support amount.  I sent his case to be reviewed.  His original court order said he did no visitation and clearly that wasn’t the case now.  So you see?  People do change.  A man can go from deadbeat to human.  It happens in our office and it happens everywhere.  Men and women stand up for their kids.  Be that guy or that girl.  Make this nation of ours great by contributing to the upbringing of your kids.  Those are the stories that keep me going.  Those are the stories that make me think that the deadbeats can go human.  Even my donor, if he tried.  I think that ship is sailed but well, a girl can always have hope, right?  One day after 40 years a deadbeat can go human.   Hey, stranger things have happened, right?  You just never know.  And maybe someone out there will read this and turn human too.  I can always hope, for the sake of the children, that it happens. I always keep that in mind.  It’s about the children.  Let me be their voice and help these grown ups come to an agreement so the children can be better off.  I can’t do custody fights, that’s for the free family law facilitators, which I can send/give you information for but I can help when someone’s trying and struggling.  Those are the ones that make my job easier and most prideful.  I give my hats and my cheers to those people.  They surely deserve it!
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Just a poem

Sadness isn’t the word…

By Catra Lynxey Tigress

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Today you left me all alone

Today I walked by myself

They say someone out there

carries you when you’re alone

but I don’t believe the fairy tale

I’m too old for that

 

Today you left me all alone

I know I’ll be OK

Eventually

But not today

Today I walk alone

Just like that tired song

 

Today you left me all alone

I can’t always bear the pain

but I know I’m strong

I know it will be OK

It’s not easy to smile

No longer easy to pretend

 

Today you left me all alone

And I can’t mourn anymore

I forgot how to be numb

I forgot how to stop

I need a hug

But I can’t hug myself the same

 

Today you left me all alone

And now

I have to walk away too

Will I see you again?

Rainbow bridges or a fake heaven?

Maybe one day it’ll be OK…

 

Just not

Today

This path is broken

My heart doesn’t know

happiness

Anymore

 

I’m having a secret love affair!

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Yes I know what you’re thinking… well it’s not so secret anymore, is it!  You’re writing the world about it, surely the other party will find out.  Nah, they won’t.  Firstly, they don’t ever read my blog, second, they don’t even go on the computer or a mobile device unless I’m on it and then they tend to distract me from it anyway so it doesn’t matter.  Let me explain:

The affair includes secret snuggles and pettings out of sight of my love.  I have a jealous love you see, so outright snuggles and pettings are out of the “OK”  realm, as I suppose, is rightly so, in their mind.  Have you ever seen so many commas?  Yes I’m digressing.  This isn’t an easy thing to admit!  Or maybe it is.  Do I feel guilty?  Only slightly…

It’s not that I don’t love my beloved, I do!  Wholeheartedly but you know how sometimes you just want two of something?  Kind of like seconds because well, the first one just wasn’t enough?  This is what’s happening.  It all started out so innocent, you see.  I was snuggling and petting my love and then, she jumped away and left me cold and unsnuggled.  I wasn’t unsatisfied but I also felt empty, does that even make sense?  Anyway I went and searched for a new love.   That way I would never be left un-snuggled.

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So of I went to find that new love that would make it all OK.  I searched for a while.  I found one, but then my kid decided to take her.  She too was unloved and who am I to decide to leave my kid without love?  I’m not a cruel mama, so I let her have that second love.  And I was back on the search!  This time, I was looking high and low.  I found some that were kind of interesting but all were failing the love test, except the last one, who was sneezing.  I can’t have a sick love… no, no… that would spread to my first love and besides, they wouldn’t let me have her that way.  So I went home, alone, again.  Hubs said we should have taken her anyway but I don’t know, I guess it just wasn’t time yet.  Hubs, you see, supports this affair.  He has no qualms about it.  Why?  Well, let me tell you some more.

It has nothing to do with the fact that my love is female.  I know, most guys love the whole two female thing but that’s not what’s happening here.  You see, my love, doesn’t have that much to do with him.  She might sit for a spell but she’s fickle.  She only loves for a bit then runs off, she’s very much the diva.  Her rules, her way, her attention or lack of, much like a dominatrix, in a sense, except there are no whips or chains, just claws…  I get scratched quite a bit.  But I don’t mind, I like having her love.  Have you guessed by now?

Hubs doesn’t really need as much attention from her anyway, so that could also be why…  Anyway, back to my story… I went back to searching and wouldn’t you know it?  I found him!   He was one of, I think, three choices again.  The shelter, where he lived, was full and they lied about his age.  He was tiny but oh the loves!  He was perfect!  I took him home and he’s been loving ever since.  I feel complete!  But this is how the love affair started.   My love, being fickle, decided she was also jealous.   She made her presence known.  As I type she’s sitting here, completely ignoring me, but letting me know she’s here.  Don’t worry, she won’t read the computer but she’s definitely giving me this look, though she’s not looking at me right now:

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So maybe now you understand why I have to have secret snuggles and pettings lest she find out!   She lets him know it’s not OK.   When she’s in full diva mode or snoring, I cuddle.  When I go to the restroom or early in the morning and my love is “tired” of me, I pet him and on occasion we even snuggle for a long time!   Sometimes she comes over and he runs off but for the most part, we’re doing OK.  And goodness is he loud about how pleased he is!   Good thing she doesn’t care too much about that.  She’s a bit loud herself but I think he’s louder!  I have no complaints.  It’s very soothing to hear that kind of pleasure and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  And you know?  He hasn’t clawed me once!  I’d say that was a bonus, but then how could he?  He’s not around enough for that, though he occasionally likes to nibble my hands but that’s not a big deal.  But against her, he stands no chance.  At least not yet… maybe when he gets older.  He’ll be bigger than her, no doubt!

For now, lucky for him, he’s not alone.  You see, when he came home we have another female who took him under her wing.  She protected him and, in a sense, acted like a surrogate mother to him.  He was very young, you see, when I got him.  They told me he was 4 months old and I knew better.   He was, at best, 2 months old and barely weighed anything.   He was already neutered and ready to go, so we took him home.  I’m sure the shelter was very happy to have one less mouth to feed.   Have you guessed by now?   I’m talking about our cats.

We have four.   One who might as well be a dog, he is most curious and lets people know he’s here but he’s not a bully unless you bring another animal in the house.  Then he’s pissy and growly for a few days (months?) and then he’s back to jolly again.  He did run out one of the cats, a gray male, who had no protector because his “sister” was my love.  She was a little diva back then!   I tried to protect him but cat against cat I was lost.  He ran away and I never got him back.   The rescue, where we got him, called about 3 months later I want to say? that they found him and were going to bring him back but after I told them the situation, they rehomed him.  I’m sure he’s happier now.  I was bittersweet.  Glad he was OK and sad he wasn’t here with me.  But now I understand why.

This new baby cat had our second female, a strong female who, I guess, is the equivalent of Mr. pissy, which we named Kink because his tail has a kink in it.  Yeah, we’re not that creative…  The second female is named Dash because she used to run around like a mad kitty from place to place.  She doesn’t do that anymore unless you want to cuddle, then she runs off and when she can’t I swear her eyes grow three times the size of her head and well, that’s just weird.   I think she should be called Bug but hubs wants to keep Dash, so there she is.  She’s very secure and maybe that’s why Munchie, the little guy, was able to “survive” Kink’s  mean streak.   Kink is fine with Munchie now, by the way.  That’s Kink chewing on the cord… Dash is the one on the top rank observing everything.  She was kind of top dog even when she was little, haha.

three cats in the tree

That little dark one there?  That was Shark.  She ate everything in her path and she could smell food from miles away.  She could be peacefully sleeping but if you went to the kitchen and got some food, suddenly you had a cat attached to your hip!  Unfortunately, she was also skittish.  She couldn’t survive the diva so she hid a lot.  We toyed with naming her Skittles for a while.  I loved her though.  I lost her in the fourth of July fire last year.  We took almost half an hour trying to catch her as we had to evacuate.  We finally did but her brain was broken.  She was so scared after that she was super skittles after we came home.   They day after, I went to work, came home and she was nowhere to be found.  I thought, becuase she was hiding a lot before, she was still scared from the fire insanity.  But no, I never found her.   We can only assume she ran out.  We looked high and low, left food out, etc. but my little one never came home…  It was probably her love I was missing before I got Munchie.  I can still hope that one day she comes back, she has a chip, but as time goes, it seems less likely.  But you never know, I might have 5 cats one day!

That was sad news, but if that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have found Munchie, named because he likes to chew on a lot of things, my hands included, is my second love.  He’s the one I’m having the affair with.  As I said, he purrs up a storm but for now, I have to keep him “hidden” from the diva, as far as our affections are concerned.  Here are the duos, you can see Munchie with Dash, back when they both fit in one of the cat tree beds.  They don’t fit like that anymore…

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But they still remain friends, together.  Now I bet you’re wondering where the diva cat is… well, surprisingly, her name is not Ms. Diva though it should be.  I told you, we aren’t that creative.  Her name is Furrette though originally I was planning on calling her silver, because of her colour… I should have know I was in trouble…at the rescue, her name was Princess.  Yup, she lives up to that name, except now I think it’s the queen.  But only to me, I think.  Dash and Kink tend to be the ones that go hey, what’s going on?  While Furrette is perfectly content ignoring  everyone and sometimes she does it so well you can’t even see her!  So, without further ado, here’s my love, the jealous cow, as I call her affectionately.  The one whom I love to see and she loves to ignore me, at least until she decides she wants the cuddles, then I can’t get her off me.  Unless hubs walks in, then I get scratched as she jumps off.  No sir, you can’t watch her cuddle!  That’s some kind of sacrilege!   Anyway, here she is in all her glory giving the, “And who said you can take a picture?!” look:Message_1413866887420[1]

That’s Kink again.  He’s into everything, so of course he’s in there too.  She’s more camera shy so I don’t have too many of her but the ones I do, Kink’s usually there too, haha.  The only reason he’s not there with Dash and Munchie is because he didn’t fit but chances are he was in another spot on the tree or nearby.  He loves to explore and if you have something in your hand he wants to know what it is, even if you just showed him.

I love my fur kids!  Every day is very entertaining.   Do you forgive me for having an affair?  I hope so!  I’m sure you have your own in some way or another.  And if you have a diva like I do, let me know!  Thanks for reading!

Edit:  I forgot to say all my cats are from rescue or from the shelter.  I’ve only had rescue pets and they’ve always been the best.  Please adopt from a rescue/shelter before buying.   You’ll be glad you did!

How I could steal your guy and not just because I’m a cougar now.

I realise cougars are a hot trend right now and I am with a guy who’s 10 years younger than me so they tell me I’m a cougar now, just for that.  Honestly, that was never a goal I set out for myself.  He was cute and he was nice and that’s what did the whole one thing led to another thing.  Do I enjoy being a cougar?  Not particularly…other than yeah, my dude’s cuter than the dudes my age or older.  I tend to go for personality.

BUT if I really wanted to get a hot young guy, I could.  And this is the reason for this post.   See, we “older” gals have a couple of thigns going for us.  We are usually drama free.  We know what we want and we get it.  We don’t make mountains out of molehills out of most situations.  We tend to be laid back.  And well, they say we have more skills than the younger girls in the bedroom.  I wouldn’t know.  I’ve never been with a young girl and I don’t really want to do that so I’ll take the guys’ word for it on that one.  I do know I don’t have the hang ups on looks that I did when I was younger, so I can be more relaxed and “into it” vs. worrying.  For some reason, guys think that’s hot.  Go figure.  And one last thing?  We know how to take care of young guys…well, guys in general…  This could mean in the bedroom and out of it.


So what’s a young chickie supposed to do?  Well, for one thing take care of your guy.  Don’t let your drama get ridiculous.  I realise that in your 20’s everything is such a huge deal but trust me, it’s not.  There is NOTHING in the world worth the aggravation.  You know what else we’re good at?  Listening to your guy.  So when you guys are all hung up in your next shoe or fashion drama or figuring out what his next dick mood is, there I am, listening to him and asking him about HIS day and what is going on in HIS life.

When you’re bitching about how he never spends time with you because he likes to go out with his friends, I’m the one having fun with him and his friends.  I don’t care if he goes or not.  I only care that he comes back in one piece.  If he likes to play video games, chances are I’m playing games with him.   And if he wants to be alone, I don’t get up in his face about it.  I give him alone time.   When you complain that he doesn’t care because he forgot to get you flowers, I’m the one who says that’s OK, you can get me flowers tomorrow.  Or if he can’t make that “special” date because he’s working and you go crazy?  I’m the one who says who cares, we’ll do it another day.

When you’re griping and trying to guilt trip him into marrying you, I’mt he one saying I don’t want to get married.  I just want to have fun.  Chances are, my biological clock has gone off and it’s on permanent snooze.  I don’t want to make babies anymore so I have no pressures or melt downs over not making things happen to some imaginary plan that girls are (I guess?) born with and I’m already over it.

Basically it boils down to this:

That isn’t to say we’re perfect.  Of course, if the dude wants to have a family, chances are he’ll go back to you chickies, but my guess is he’ll wait til you’re a little older and over your drama some more.  No guy likes drama as much as girls in the 20’s love drama.  We ALL say we don’t want it, don’t like it, hate it, etc. etc. but god knows at that age, we sure as heck know how to find it all the time!

And what about the older guys?  Why do we “lose”t hem?  Well… chances are they’re boring and into watching tv and couch surfing.  This is where the younger guys win over the older ones.   The thing is, chances are we know how to drive this relationship machine…so did we really “lose” the guy or did we just decide to make them the jerks who “leave us” so we look better?   Bet you didn’t know that one, did you?

Don’t worry girls…  by the time you’re in your mid 30’s all of this will make sense.  And you wish you had the wisdom back in your 20’s so you didn’t drive guys crazy and get friend zoned or dumped.  There is, however, a ray of hope.  If you pay attention to your guy, he won’t be looking for someone else’s attention.

And this is true for every age group.  When that guy no longer feels appreciated and no longer heard, he’ll be looking for someone else to fill that “void” and make him feel special again.  Because, as much as we love being special and feeling special, we often forget that guys need that too.  In all my observations of male and female interaction it always boils down to this one thing:  Guys just want to be heard.   In case you haven’t noticed, he doesn’t say too much but when he does, it’s because whatever it is, is important to him.  In guy speak, if he’s saying something, it’s because it needs to be said.


Now here’s my confession.  I don’t actually go out and steal guys.  I am not a home wrecker.  If he’s your boyfriend and I know it, I’ll leave him alone.  I don’t need someone else’s man when I can get my own.  But there are a lot of girls/women who aren’t as respectful.  And maybe you’re one of those girls who think a guy can’t be stolen because if he was a “real” man, he wouldn’t be stolen.   And some guys are loyal and faithful to their core.  They won’t cheat on you, but he just might be miserable… and who wants to do that to someone else?  Everyone deserves happiness, don’t they?

So if you learn anything from this, learn to pay attention to your guy.  If he knows he’s your world, he won’t need to find someone else to make him feel like a super hero.  He’ll be happy to be with you.  And you know what else?  The happier you make him, the happier you’ll be.  Why?  Because that dude will turn over graves for you.   So what if he leaves the socks all over the floor.  Start being super nice to him and I am sure those socks won’t be there for long.

And for goodness sake.. if the man brings you flowers (or a gift) for no reason, don’t suddenly start expecting them.  Instead, be super grateful and happy.   Guys don’t tend to say things with words.  They say it with actions.   That’s where you need to focus your attention on.  If he starts off giving yout he moon and stars and then “suddenly” stops, chances are it’s because someone or something else is giving him the attention you aren’t.   Maybe you’re lucky and he’s just looking at online movies and pictures… you know what I mean…  but maybe he’s going online for other things or he’s meeting someone else…  The point is, his focus is no longer on you the way it used to be when you used to pay attention to him.

Yeah OK, there are dogs out there, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not talking about THOSE guys.  Those can stay in the gutter where they belong.  I’m talking about that super nice guy you fell in love with and who would swim through pirahnas to get you a glass of water before and now he’s saying get your own water.

You see girls, we’re the ones with the power.  We can make or break guys.  How we treat them affects us.  We start treating them like jerks, they’ll treat us like we’re nobody.  I don’t know if that’s conscious or not, but I do know the more upset the guy is, the less likely he is to do stuff for you.  THe thing is, they won’t tell you.  Sometimes, they don’t know how.  They still, after you drag them through a dog pile, want to be nice to you.  And a lot of them go passive aggressive because they can’t verbalise what’s going on.  Again, they speak with actions.

My advice is to start paying attention from the start.  Learn what his “normal” is so when it goes to something else, you’ll notice.  And when you notice, start asking yourself, have I changed?  Would I want to come home to myself if I treated myself the way I’ve been treating him?  Did I stop being the fun girlfriend and turn into his mother, his nagging wife, his unpleasant partner?  If the answer is yes, refocus and repair.  If the answer is no, then find out what’s going on with him.  Maybe it has nothing to do with you.  Maybe he needs a little TLC.

Again, this isn’t advice on how to keep dogs.  Those guys will run around anyway, don’t waste your efforts unless all you want to do is have fun.  Believe me, us cougars love players.  We use them as they use us and we leave them.  Who cares.  We know better than to get attached to those things.  As far as I know, a player will always be a player.  Sure, some can be tamed down, but only when HE wants to be tamed.  Until then, he’ll just enjoy you and then spit you out.  Forget about it… those aren’t the boys you want to take home permanently.   You’ll only get a heartache and yes I know he’s a hot guy and probably has money or the appearance of having money, but trust me, save yourself the trouble.

Guy likes girl, girl likes guy, should be easy right? Right…

No…

See, some of us girls are a bit shy and some of us are self confidence sabotagers.  By that, I mean, we don’t think of ourselves as having confidence.  We like a guy and he likes us back, but then he goes quiet or he doesn’t have “time” for us or he’s busy, or whatever…  I can’t pretend to know what the heck goes on in a guy’s brain but I know it’s much simpler than ours.   For all we know, he’s just busy with his own thoughts.  Maybe he has to think about a project or work and it’s nto that he doesn’t “like” us anymore, it’s that his mind is occupied.  We really shouldn’t go to “well, I guess I was wrong.  He DOESN’T like us!”  or “damn, I messed that up!  I don’t know how, but dammit, I made him go away!”  (or worse, we come up with the stuff we did to muck it up before it even started)  but we do…  Ladies, you know we do!

They have little cartoons for this sort of thing and while funny, some of them are actually true.  I don’t know any girl who doesn’t think ten million things at the same time and vice versa, I know of NO GUY who thinks that way.  They tend to be less complicated and more linear minded, which makes me jealous because sometimes, those ten million things turn into awful messes before anything happens.  The dude may be saying OK I have x time before she comes home, I can do x thing… jacking off can mean do stuff she normally doesn’t like me to do.  Ie.  The cat is away, I can play now!  The girl, meanwhile, thinks he’s going to get kidnapped in that time frame and god forbid he doesn’t answer the text/phone.  Then she has him dead on the tracks after being beaten to a pulp or he’s hooking up with some hottie he just met at the market.  The last thing WE have on our mind is, oh hey, I got time to do stuff that I can’t do when he’s around.  Why?  Because most of the time we do that stuff whether you’re there or not.

So when your dude says “what’s wrong?” what he wants to know is, what’s troubling you.  What we hear is, “Please, tell me what’s going on in your head.” And we rattle off crap that may or may not have happened and stuff that’s going to happen, and stuff that happened when we weren’t thinking was going to happen but happened anyway… in other words, we tell guys way more than they wanted to know.  To another girl, that’s OK.  We don’t mind and we understand.  To a guy, its probably overwhelming.  Yes it’s true…we talk too much.  And then you wonder why the dude never asks us THAT question, again.   It’s not that he doesn’t care… it’s that you overwhelmed him so much the first time, he may not want to jump into that rat’s nest any time soon.  Basically, you just gave him “this” for information and now he has to figure out where the start, the end, or the middle or what the hell he got a maze for!

That’s not to say guys shouldn’t ask the question.  It just means, try to figure out what the heck we’re actually saying.  Maybe all we need is for you to listen.  Which, incidentally, is what ANY one wants.  Male or female, we all want to be heard.

The problem is, guys want to fix stuff or they only say stuff that needs an actual answer.  Ie.  Do you want to go to the store?  means, do you want to go to the store.  For a girl, we often hear, “do you want to go out in general?”  Ie. to the store, to the park, to the movies, to the etc etc. and most of the time we’re more than happy to go!   All he wanted to konw is if we needed to go to the store for groceries (or whatever the store is, for that one item it carries.)  He did NOT mean to say, did you want to go spend all afternoon looking at stuff.  This is where I get in trouble.  Once I’m out of the house, I want to go EVERYWHERE!  But my dude’s like no, I just want to go to the store.  So guess what…?  He doesn’t ask me to go to the store anymore.  Not unless he specifies we’re ONLY going to the store for blah item.  He adds that no, we’re not going anywhere else.  Booooooring!!!  But well, that’s how it goes…

So what are we to do?  Well… I guess we just ride the coaster until we figure things out.  And by that, I guess I mean that guys have to figure out what the heck we’re actually saying.  And they need to learn how to ask a question.  And we, ladies, need to learn how to answer said question and not get overwhelming.  Let’s start handing out simpler mazes or better yet, maps, so they know what the heck is going on.

So back to our original idea:  If a guy likes a girl, he should say so.  He shouldn’t wait around too long because chances are we will think we’ve screwed it up and we should lick our wounds and move on. So guys… if you like that girl, either make a move or say something because if you really like that girl, she needs to know it.  Maybe you could just say hey, I like you.  But don’t make it sound like oh I like you but I just want to friend zone you.  So make it special.  By that I mean, say I like you and I want to see you again or something like that… it depends on the girl.  Some of us need sledgehammers and some of us don’t.  But ALL of us need to know you like us or we’re going to come up with craziness in our head.  Guaranteed.

And for girls, maybe we should give ourselves a break.  If a guy can’t see how good we are, we shouldn’t chase after him, we should let him go on to other pastures.  Of course… it DOES help if we speak up.  Tell that dude, hey, I like you!  and leave it alone.  If he’s that ditzy, maybe you don’t want him… or maybe you do… ditzy guys are sometimes fun… once they get over the yeah right, she’s just being nice, thing.  I know a few guys who are cute but ditzes in the sense that a girl is THROWING herself at him and he’s like oh yeah, she’s being friendly.  Talk about face palm!  If you have that guy, then have patience.  Eventually it’ll work…   But you DO have to get some clues before you spend (waste?) your time on that guy.  If he’s clearly blowing you off, move on to another pasture.  If he’s just unsure, keep talking and being friendly.  But for goodness sake, don’t become that “desperate” girl!  That will get you friend zoned or in trouble.  Ie. he’s gonna take you to bed and then leave you alone.  No bueno…

Alright, I’ll get off my soap box now.  Let me know what you think.  Do I just know too many girls with too many thigns in their brain or am I wrong and guys are this way too, they just don’t tell us?

My thoughts on Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake” song

When I first heard the song I thought, “Ah… must be one of the songs she wrote after the whole Russell mess.”  And maybe it was, I don’t know… but it sounds like something you say after you’re out of a relationship for a while.  When you realise what an arse that other person was and how you fell for it.  Or maybe how you made it all up in your head…all these dreams and illusions about the other person and the two of you, only to find out it was just you making those plans and ideals.  The other person had something else in mind and now they’re going off to do it with someone else.

She sings, ” Yeah, I was in the dark/ I was falling hard/ With an open heart/ I’m wide awake/ How did I read the stars so wrong?”

And this is what makes me think that we, as females, tend to do this sort of thing.  We fall in love or in lust or in crush so hard each and every time.  And I’d love to say that men are just arses with no emotions but clearly, from the James Blunts (and others) of the world, that isn’t the case.  I also wonder if they get more jaded than we do or if they can let things go a lot faster?  If they can, I envy them.  If they can’t, then I’m sad for them as well.  Why do we get so caught up in the what if’s and the future and the illusions of the relationship?  Why is it we can’t just see the relationship for what it is and not put sparkles into it?

Katy’s version of this goes like this: ” I’m wide awake/ And now it’s clear to me/ That everything you see/ Ain’t always what it seems/ I’m wide awake/ Yeah, I was dreaming for so long.”

 

One day, we wake up and realise, something’s gone wrong…  and we say what Katy sings.   ” I I wish I knew then/ What I know now/ Wouldn’t dive in/ Wouldn’t bow down/ Gravity hurts/ You made it so sweet/ ‘Til I woke up on/ On the concrete”

But that’s not accurate, is it?  Did they really make it so sweet?  Were they the ones that swindle us or did we swindle ourselves?  Either which way, gravity hurts and you wake up on the concrete with a shattered heart and broken body.  As Katy says, we have fallen from cloud nine and crashed.  Well… more like we crashed and burned ourselves really badly.  And we swear up and down that will never do it again!  But we do… at least a lot of us do…  Some don’t and they live broken lives but tell themselves they’re fine being alone.   We’re humans though… pack animals… we don’t do so well in the solitary as much as we like to lie to ourselves.  We need someone else in our lives.  And I know we try to fight it as much as we like and can… but then ONE day, that cute guy or cute girl shows up and we can’t help ourselves.  We get twitterpated…

Katy’s version of this?  ” I’m wide awake/ Not losing any sleep/ I picked up every piece/ And landed on my feet/ I’m wide awake/ Need nothing to complete myself, no”

But of course, she, like the rest of us, before we jump into another relationship, we get scared and we wondered what we did to muck up the last one… you try to see what was wrong… but then you convince yourself it’s the other person who was an arse and not you.  It’s their fault.  They’re the ones who broke it.  ” I’m wide awake/ Yeah, I am born again/ Out of the lion’s den/ I don’t have to pretend/ And it’s too late/ The story’s over now, the end”


But being in a relationship is hard!  Staying in one seems to be even harder.  It’s so easy to say “OK, I’ve had enough! Let’s throw this one away and find a new one because this one is pissing me off!”  And this is where things start to fall apart.  We don’t have enough commitment in our so called committed relationships.  We only commit and love UNTIL that moment where the other person fails somehow.  Then we start looking around for something better…a new lawn to mow, sort of speak…  And maybe, somewhere in our minds we recognise we’re failing or something’s wrong, but we can’t admit to ourselves that it’s us doing the damage.

She sings, ” I’m wide awake/ Thunder rumbling/ Castles crumbling/ I’m wide awake/ I am trying to hold on/ I’m wide awake/ God knows that I tried/ Seeing the bright side/ I’m wide awake/ I’m not blind anymore…”

But did you?  Did you really see the bright side or did you just “put up with” whatever it was that was bothering you?  Did you ever speak out or were you just one of those, nice girls don’t upset others or worse…confront others…?  Did you ever say to the dude, hey you’re pissing me off because blah… whatever it was…?  Or did you go girl and try to hint things at him and hope he gets it, then when he doesn’t you bury him with anger?  Or maybe you nagged him to death but never actually said what was wrong.   Maybe you just stopped paying attention to him.   Maybe you were so angry that you said forget it!  And you both went to do your own things…
And one day… it just… stopped.

And we’re back in the same merry go round… only it’s not so merry… this roundabout it just going round and round and you’re still alone.  With a boyfriend, a husband, a wife, a girlfriend, whatever title you want… you’re still… alone.  By now you think everyone just sucks major soda water!  But did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe… the element that is most constant… is… you?

I’m not saying you suck…although maybe you do… but at least if you acknowledge it, you can fix it.  Communication seems to be at the key of everything.  And it love, it seems to be the single most important thing in the world.   So the next time you get twitterpated, take a mental note of what you did before…  At what moment did you stop caring and at what point did you just let it go?   At what point did it fail for you?  And did you do everything you could to get the train back on the track or did you just decide it was too much work so you let it derail?

Will you ever actually be.. wide awake… or will just continue thinking it’s everyone else who dumps on you?

Bruno Mars’ song “Grenade” isn’t a love song!

That dang song “Grenade” just came on in Pandora and I actually paid attention this time.   It’s very manipulative, you know?  It’s not about love at all.  Sure, he’s whining and bitching about some girl who supposedly trashed his love.  So he comes off like this poor defeated guy, the martyr, the shit upon, the mistreated, helpless and hopeless romantic.   And she comes off like a bitch.

But wait, take another listen.  He’s basically bitching because she won’t “love him the same way” as he does.   But what does that mean?  She has to die for him too?  He says “To give me all your love is all I ever asked” and the goes on to say she doesn’t understand that he’d do all these ridiculous things for her.  Catch a grenade, have his hand (head?) cut off, get shot, get beat up, etc. etc. and she wouldn’t do the same for him.  But somehow that makes her the bitch.  Because well, she just didn’t love him enough.

Well Bruno, suck it up… she can’t be your EVERYTHING.  There is no such thing as being someone’s everything.  IF that were to happen, then that person would basically have to LOSE themselves to be your slave and love is great (maybe) but fuck that noise.    I’m not about to lose myself for some guy.  I like myself.  I worked HARD to get to where I am.  So no, not losing myself for some guy.

But while we’re at it, did he become her bitch?  Did HE lose himself and become her slave?  I mean, did HE lose himself to be her slave?  Maybe he did, but that was HIS choice and I think it was a wuss thing to do, so yeah, maybe he’s mad, but he shouldn’t be mad at HER.  He should be mad at himself for not having a spine!

And yeah OK, so maybe the woman was a user.  I mean, she smiles in his face then rips the breaks out of his car?  Or she kisses him with her eyes open.   But honey, maybe that was the TIP OFF that she wasn’t a good woman.  So whyyyyyyyy would you still keep dating her?!  And why are you such a wuss that you would STILL die for her?  I mean seriously, you got issues.  As in low self worth issues.  But maybe that’s the game you’re playing… you play the victim so people feel sorry for you.  Maybe that’s why no one questions where your spine went…?  I have no idea… but I’m sure questioning!

And if I ever dated a man like that I’d be turning around so fast all he’d see is the dust cloud I left!  Although OK, maybe I’d be nice and explain I just don’t date men without spines.  Maybe I’m too much of a woman for a guy like that… maybe I’m just picky… but honestly, does ANYONE (male or female) love to date doormats?  Unless you’re a predator and get off by abusing these types (which then makes you one sick ass, imo!) I don’t think people like to be around people who can’t stand up for themselves.

They might feel sorry for you at first, maybe even try to help, but eventually they just leave your butt if you’re that much of a lost cause.  I like people who can make decisions.  People who can say I like this, I don’t like that, etc. etc.   I dated a dude who couldn’t make up his mind about much.   He was the type of guy who always asked what the other person wanted to do.  Never really came up with his own stuff and even though I was young at the time, it was very draining!  And I didn’t know it back then but it was annoying as hell!  However, being miss insecurity back then, I thought having a sucky boyfriend was better than NO boyfriend.   I was dead wrong!

I broke that nasty habit and stayed alone for many years until I figured out WHAT the hell I was doing wrong and I focused.  No I didn’t get it perfect but I stopped being needy, I stopped thinking I needed a guy in my life to be complete.  I completed myself first.  And it was in that time that I figured out what I wanted and what I didn’t.  The man I have now isn’t perfect but he’s a huge improvement from that first guy or from the last guy before him.  He didn’t ask me to be his everything and I don’t expect him to be MY everything.  We respect each others’ differences in life.  And most importantly, we’re compliments to each other, not halves and not wholes.  Just together, like complementary colours.  We look good together and we blend well, but we’re still two different colours.  I think that’s the way it should be.  Harmony and peace are always a good thing!